Between the vort and the wedding
[1] (halacha 409)
Question: Is there a concern in giving gifts to the bride, and may one also give a ring?
One of the minhogim before the wedding is that the chosson gives gifts to the bride; these gifts are called in the language of Chazal 'sivlonos'.
The source of the minhag is very ancient and already appears in Parshas Vayishlach1: 'הַרְבּוּ עָלַי מְאֹד מֹהַר וּמַתָּן וְאֶתְּנָה כַּאֲשֶׁר תֹּאמְרוּ אֵלָי וּתְנוּ לִי אֶת הַנַּעֲרָה לְאִשָּׁה' ("Ask me a great bridal-price and gift, and I will give according to what you say to me; but give me the maiden for a wife"). And the Ramban explained: 'מהר ומתן - מהר, כתובה, שהוא הדבר הנתן לבתולה, כדכתיב כמהר הבתולות2, והם סבלונות שהבחורים שולחים לבתולות כאשר ישאו אותן' ("'Mohar u'matan' — mohar is the kesubah, which is the thing given to a maiden, as it is written 'as the mohar of maidens', and these are the sivlonos that young men send to maidens when they marry them").
The Gemara in Kiddushin3 discusses whether, in the giving of the sivlonos, there is reason to be concerned that the woman may already be betrothed, and the Rishonim differ as to the reason for the concern: a) The approach of Rashi, that the concern is that she may be becoming betrothed now through the giving of the gifts, and these are Rashi's words on the passage beginning 'chosheshin l'sivlonos': 'מי ששידך באשה ונתרצה וקדם ושלח סבלונות בעדים חוששין שמא קידושין הן ואם נתקדשה לאחר צריכה גט מן הראשון' ("One who arranged a shidduch with a woman and she consented, and he went ahead and sent sivlonos in the presence of witnesses — we are concerned that perhaps they constitute kiddushin, and if she then became betrothed to another she requires a get from the first").
b) The approach of Tosafos there, on the passage beginning 'chosheshin', that the very giving of the gifts merely indicates that he has already betrothed her: 'לכך נראה לפרש חוששין כלומר כיון ששלח לה סבלונות חיישינן שמא קידשה כבר' ("Therefore it appears correct to explain 'chosheshin' as follows: since he sent her sivlonos, we are concerned that perhaps he already betrothed her"). And so too explained the Rif4, and the Rambam5.
And the Tur wrote6: 'הילכך טוב לחוש לשני הפירושין להחמיר וכן היא מסקנת א"א הרא"ש ז"ל' ("Therefore it is proper to take both explanations into account stringently, and this is also the conclusion of my father and master the Rosh, of blessed memory").
And as a matter of halacha the Mechaber wrote7: 'האידנא, נהגו בכל מלכות ארץ ישראל ומצרים ותוגרמא שלא לחוש לסבלונות, זולתי בקוסטנטינה שחוששין להם' ("Nowadays, the practice throughout the kingdom of Eretz Yisroel, Egypt, and Turkey is not to be concerned about sivlonos, except in Constantinople, where they are concerned about them"). And the Rema wrote in his gloss: 'היה מנהג בעיר, ונתבטל, הולכין אחר עכשיו. לא היה מנהג בעיר, כגון שהיה עיר חדשה, נידון כמחצה על מחצה. וי"א דיש להחמיר אפי' במקום דכ"ע מסבלי והדר מקדשי, אם לא שיש עוד צד היתר אצל זה. ונ"ל דאם החתן אמר שלא שלח רק לסבלונות בעלמא, לכ"ע ליכא למיחש בכה"ג. וכן מעשים בכל יום, לפעמים חוזרים בשדוכים, והסבלונות חוזרים, ולא נהגו להצריכה גט הואיל והוא במקומות בזמן הזה דכ"ע מסבלי והדר מקדשי, והחתן אינו אומר ששלח לשם קדושין' ("If there was a minhag in the city and it was nullified, we follow the present practice. If there was no minhag in the city — for instance, where it was a new city — it is judged as an even balance. And some say that one must be stringent even in a place where everyone sends sivlonos and afterwards betroths, unless there is an additional ground for leniency in the case. And it appears to me that if the chosson said that he sent only as ordinary sivlonos, according to all opinions there is no concern in such a case. And so it occurs daily: sometimes shidduchim are called off, and the sivlonos are returned, and it has not been the practice to require a get from her, since in these places at this time everyone sends sivlonos and afterwards betroths, and the chosson does not say that he sent them for the purpose of kiddushin").
Accordingly, the view of the Mechaber is that we are not concerned about kiddushin with sivlonos. It is only that the Rema wrote that some say one must be stringent; however, some have written that even according to the words of the Rema there is nowadays no concern in giving the gifts8.
However, some had the practice9 that in order to avoid concerns (and in accordance with the words of the Rema that one must be stringent unless there is an additional ground for leniency), therefore it is preferable that the chosson not give the gift directly to the bride, for then there is in this an additional ground for leniency according to the approach of the Maharik10, which is cited in the Rema11: 'י"א דכל זה מיירי דהכלה קבלה הסבלונות בעצמה, אבל במקום שדרך הכלות שאין מקבלין הסבלונות, רק אחר מקבל להן, אין חוששין להם' ("Some say that all this deals with a case where the bride received the sivlonos herself, but in a place where the way of the brides is that they do not receive the sivlonos, but rather another receives them for them, we are not concerned about them").
And some have written that it is fitting to conduct oneself this way also on account of modesty, as the Ra'am wrote12: 'עינינו הרואות שרוב הסבלונות הנשלחים מהארוס לארוסתו בדרך הצניעות והכבוד ולא כדרך בעלי היוהרות מנהגן הוא תמיד להוליך האם הסבלונות של הארוס לארוסת בנה במקום שיוליכום אנשים אחרים נכרים בקולי קולות וביוהרות' ("Our eyes see that most of the sivlonos sent from the groom to his betrothed in a manner of modesty and honor, and not in the manner of the arrogant, their practice is always that the mother brings the groom's sivlonos to her son's betrothed, rather than having other, unfamiliar people bring them with great fanfare and arrogance").
It is only that even in cases where a gift is given in a permitted manner, there is a care taken not to give a ring as a gift, since it is customary to betroth with a ring. And as the Rebbe writes13: 'מטעמים מובנים כדאי לדעתי שבמתנות לכלה לפני הקידושין לא תהי' טבעת. וכדאי לפרסם (בשמי או שלא בשמי) ובלבד שיתקבל' ("For understandable reasons it is worthwhile in my opinion that among the gifts to the bride before the kiddushin there should not be a ring. And it is worthwhile to publicize this (in my name or not in my name), provided that it be accepted"). And so it is explained at length in the sicha of Shabbos Parshas Tisa 574114.
Accordingly, by the essential letter of the law there is no concern in the chosson giving gifts to the bride (though some were stringent that the chosson should not give the bride gifts directly, but only by means of a messenger), but it is certainly proper to be stringent not to give a ring as a gift
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Notes:
1 לד, יב ↩
2 שמות כב, טז וראה שם ברמב"ן שם ↩
3 נ, ב ↩
4 כב, א ↩
5 הל' אישות פ"ט הכ"ח ↩
6 אהע"ז סי' מה ↩
7 שו"ע אהע"ז סי' מה ס"ב ↩
8 ראה אבני מילואים שם ס"ק יא שכתב: 'וכתב בת"ה (סי' ר"ז) דהאידנא שנהגו לקדש תחת החופה ומברכין ברכת אירוסין לא חיישינן לסבלונות וע"ש ועיין ב"ש'. ועד"ז כתב ערוה"ש שם סי"ח: 'ולי נראה דבמדינתינו גם רבינו הרמ"א יודה דאין לחוש אף כשהחתן טוען, דהטעם שמחמיר אף דכו"ע מסבלי והדר מקדשי מבואר במקור הדין מפני שאולי יש מיעוט דמקדשי והדר מסבלי [חמ"ח], וזה לא שייך רק במדינות שמקדשים זמן רב קודם החופה אבל במדינתינו דכ"ע מקדשין תחת החופה נסתלק כל חששא זו'. כמו"כ לפי המנהג שנותנים מתנות בווארט (כמבואר בהלכה מספר 404) יש לצרף את דברי הרמ"א בס"א: 'י"א דכל סבלונות ששלח מיד אחר השדוכין יום או יומים, אין לחוש להם כלל. ואפילו שלח לה אח"כ, ג"כ, דמאחר ששלח לה תחלה אנו רואים דמסבל ואח"כ מקדש, ואין חוששין לסבלונותיו' ↩
9 ראה דברי המהרי"ק שו"ת סי' קע (שהם המקור לפסק רמ"א דלהלן) שכתב: 'שהרי המנהג פשוט הוא בכ"מ שנוהגין באותה סבלונות הנזכרות שעושין אחרי הקנין שלעולם אין הכלה מקבלת הסבלונות מיד השליח אלא ע"י אשה אחרת והדברים מוכיחים שלכך נהגו הקדמונים שלא תקבלם היא עצמה כי היכי דלא להוו הם עצמן קדושין'. אך ראה תרוה"ד סי' רז שכתב: 'אמנם מנהג בגבולינו שכלות מונעות מלקבל סבלונות בידיהם בזמן שמוליכין אותו להם ביום החתונה קודם החופה או ביום שלפניו, ואומרים שבשביל חשש קדושין נמנעו. ובמה שכתבתי אינו מספיק דאין כאן גילוי מילתא שפיר אעפ"י שכולם נוהגים, מ"מ אין כאן הוכחה דאימור כולהו מחמת כיסופא עבדי'. ולהעיר מטעמי המנהגים אות תתקלח. וראה בהנשואין כהלכתם פ"ג אות צט ↩
10 שו"ת שורש קעא ↩
11 שם ס"א ↩
12 שו"ת סי' יט ↩
13 לקו"ש חי"ט עמ' 510 ↩
14 שיחו"ק ח"ב ע' 521 ↩
15 ולהעיר שאחד הטעמים שכתבו בפוסקים להקל שאין לחשוש לסבלונות הוא בגלל שיש חרם למי שמבטל השידוך וכו' וכך ממילא הרי"ז דומה לשבועה, ובנדון שבועה כתב הב"ש סי' מה ס"ק א: 'ואם נשבעו שישאו זה את זו ואח"כ שלח סבלונות יש לצדד להקל דמסתמא סומך את עצמו על השבועה ואינו מקדש אותה ואם עשאו ק"ס שישאו זא"ז ושלח סבלונות חיישינן ת"ה'. וראה אבני מילואים שם: 'ועוד נראה להקל האידנא בסבלונות לפי מה שנוהגין בתנאים לכתוב, הקנס לא יפטור החרם וגם יש חרם הקהילות במי שחוזר, ואין לו היתר אלא בהתרת הרבה אנשים או שיפטרו זה את זה ועיין בהגהת מרדכי דיבמות ועיין ב"ש סי' נ"א. וכיון דאם נשבעו זה לזה שישאו זה את זו אין חוששין לסבלונות דלא חיישי דלמא הדרא בה ולא מקפדה וסומכין על השבועה וכמ"ש ב"ש סק"א ה"נ סומכין על החרם דלא ליהדרא בה'. אך כיון שכיום איננו נוהגים להחרים, א"כ למנהגנו אין טעם קולא זו מתאים ↩
[2] (Halacha 410)
Question: Which gifts is it customary for the chosson's side to give the kallah, and the kallah's side to give the chosson?
Answer: In the previous halacha we learned about the sivlonos, which are the gifts that the chosson gives the kallah; but the minhag is that the kallah too gives gifts to the chosson, and we find in this several minhogim and reasons.
In the sefer Mata'amim1 he wrote: 'A reason for the sivlonos that the chosson sends to the kallah and the kallah to the chosson: for so did Hakadosh Baruch Hu send sivlonos to Yisroel before Mattan Torah — the spoils of Mitzrayim, the spoils of the Sea, the mon, the well, and the quail; and likewise Yisroel sent sivlonos to Hakadosh Baruch Hu — faith in the Chachomim, "חדשים וגם ישנים דודי צפנתי לך" ("new ones and also old ones, my beloved, I have stored away for you"), the four good traits that Yisroel possessed in Mitzrayim'.
a) There are those who have the minhag to give the chosson a watch, and several of the great figures of Chassidus have brought interesting reasons for this minhag2.
b) A widespread minhag among Yisroel is to give sefarim as a gift, and generally the minhag is to give the chosson a Shas, while for the kallah they had the minhag to give a siddur with a commentary. The Rebbe mentioned these minhogim in the sicha of Parshas Vayigash, 5 Teves 57483: 'And the well-known minhag Yisroel in many places is that they give a gift to the chosson — a Shas4, and to the kallah they give a Siddur Korban Mincha, a siddur with Ivri-Taitch, in which several dinim pertaining to Jewish women are brought in the spoken language (and in our times, when women learn and know etc. and do not need 'Ivri-Taitch', and it is possible that they would be embarrassed by such a gift — they should give them sifrei halacha on matters pertaining to the running of the home, 'in clear language and a concise manner', in Lashon HaKodesh, or translated into the language of the country etc.), and whoever increases is praiseworthy'.
c) A further practice the Rebbe mentioned5 is that the minhag among Chassidim is to give sifrei Chassidus: 'And this matter is connected with the minhag Yisroel in several places that the kallah buys the chosson a Shas. And among Chassidim, also sifrei Chassidus, and the purpose and the main thing is that they learn in these sefarim'.
d) The Rebbe further aroused6 that they should also give a tzedakah box: 'Here is the place to arouse: since there is a minhag Yisroel to buy sefarim in general as a gift for the chosson, or as is customary in this country, that they buy a Shas and the like – that they should institute that in the 'new home' they also bring a gift connected with mitzvas tzedakah — a tzedakah box'.
e) In one of the versions of the tena'im in Nachalas Shiva7 it is mentioned that the one standing on the kallah's side should also give a tallis and a kittel, and so it is explicit in the shtar tena'im of the holy Rav, Reb Yaakov Yisroel of Tcherkas, with the Rebbetzin Devorah Leah, daughter of the Mitteler Rebbe8: 'The distinguished Rav Moharad"b, father of the aforementioned kallah, obligated himself .. a made-up bed, veils and shawls, a tallis and a kittel for the chosson, all as is customary'9.
And a reason for this minhag was written in Or HaMeir10: 'And we see in the way of the world, that when a man takes a wife, on the day of his wedding and on the day of the gladness of his heart, the minhag of the world is to send from the kallah a tallis and tzitzis to the chosson, and minhag Yisroel is Torah; and I said a reason worthy of praise, based upon their words (Menachos11) .. And it is possible to allude to this in the verse12 "נואף אשה חסר לב" ("one who commits adultery with a woman lacks a heart") — that is to say, from where is a man drawn to commit adultery with a woman? The verse points with a finger: because of the lack of the 32 (ל"ב) threads of the tzitzis, and he is not careful in the mitzvah of tzitzis, and he lacks the faithful witnesses who would slap him upon his face, and he is not drawn away from the sin. Therefore, on the day of a man's wedding and on the day of the gladness of his heart, on the day that he enters the chuppah with his mate, she sends him a tallis with four tzitzis, 32 threads, and hints to him "הרי שלך לפניך" ("here is that which is yours, before you") — your portion given to you from Hashem, an understanding wife, as in the aforementioned allusion: his four tzitzis came and slapped him upon his face, to take to heart to rejoice specifically in his portion. And from now on you shall behold that minhag Yisroel is Torah, and one acts below to allude above, and there is nothing in the world for naught — all is with wisdom'.
Thus we have seen that it is an ancient minhag to give gifts from the chosson to the kallah and from the kallah to the chosson, and it is customary to give sefarim and a tallis to the chosson, and a siddur to the kallah. The Rebbe aroused that one give the kallah sifrei halacha pertaining to the running of the home, and give the chosson also sifrei Chassidus, and a tzedakah box for the home
Notes:
1 Erech Chosson v'Kallah, os 8 ↩
2 See Divrei Torah – Mahadura Tinyana, what he brings in the name of the holy Rav Reb Meir of Premishlan. Nitei Gavriel, Shidduchim v'Tena'im ch. 33 os 7. And there, that some emphasized that this gift comes to arouse the preciousness of time, and particularly in this period of the wedding. [And to note also from the words of the Rebbe, Igros Kodesh vol. 21 p. 47: 'For the time before the wedding is more precious than all else, since the preparation then affects the entire span of the days of life, v'kal l'havin'] ↩
3 Seifer HaSichos 5748 p. 191 ↩
4 In the sicha of Shabbos Parshas Tisa 5741 the Rebbe said: Once they would buy the chosson a Shas Vilna; today they buy a car, and afterwards an apartment, and afterwards wall-to-wall carpeting with all sorts of astounding matters — but once they would buy a Shas. And for the kallah they had the minhag to buy a Siddur Korban Mincha; today it does not enter anyone's mind, 'man d'char shmei', to give a Korban Mincha .. True, we will not compel giving a Korban Mincha, so that they should not say about him that he is a batlan ..' ↩
5 Yechidus for a chosson and kallah, 17 Shevat 5745 ↩
6 14 Kislev 5739 – Sichos Kodesh 5739 vol. 1 p. 364 ↩
7 Siman 8 ↩
8 Printed in Seder Tena'im (Levin) p. 34 ↩
9 To note that in the other shtaros tena'im of our Rebbeim it is not explicit that this is specifically the kallah's side; rather it is written 'a tallis and a kittel as is customary'. But see what is written in Seder Tena'im (Levin) p. 71 note 123, that it may be said that the intention is according to the minhag accepted in the lands of Ashkenaz, that the kallah's side gives to the chosson, and as is brought in many sefarim, that such is the minhag (see Likutei Eitzos vol. 1 erech Chisun os 3. She'eilas Shalom, Mahadura Tinyana, siman 87. Sdei Chemed, Asifas Dinim, Ma'areches Chosson v'Kallah os 11 (vol. 6 p. 1247)). And to note from Or LaShamayim p. 204, who wrote: *'The kallah's mother sends the chosson a tallis and a kittel before the chuppah'* ↩
10 Parshas Devarim – Sukkos ↩
11 Menachos 44a ↩
12 Mishlei 6:34 ↩
[3] (Halacha 411)
Question: What are the cautions required of a chosson and kallah after the vort? [1]
Answer: The Chelkas Mechokek wrote1: 'The same applies to a meshudeches — she too is forbidden in yichud, for whoever is forbidden in relations is forbidden in yichud, and this is included in the decree that they decreed regarding yichud with an unmarried woman, as explained above in siman 22'.
Many of the poskim warned very strongly that the chosson and kallah should not remain in close proximity for an extended period, even in a case where there is no prohibition of yichud, such as when they are together with other people — and not only out of concern that they may come to a mishap, but as the Agudah wrote2, cited in the Rema3 and the Maharshal4: 'And it is found in the name of great ones that even with shidduchin [alone], without erusin, it is not good for them to be together in [one] house and not because of a prohibition, but lest they become repugnant to one another; and so it is implied in the Midrash'. And these are the words of Bereishis Rabbah5: 'A certain matrona asked Rabbi Yosi .. She said to him: I will add to your words — I was designated to marry my mother's brother, and because I grew up together with him in the house I became repulsive in his eyes, and he went and married another woman for himself, and she is not as comely as I'.
The poskim wrote at length6 to explain and to warn that during the period after the shidduchin until the wedding, all the halachos and cautions that apply between a man and a woman — such as the laws of yichud, the harchakos, and the prohibition of touching — apply to the chosson and kallah; and as we find that the early authorities related to this matter with great stringency. These are the words of the Shelah7: 'Therefore, you, my sons, my children, יצ"ו, and all who heed my word, I hereby warn with the full force of my warning, that this abomination shall not be seen and shall not be found; and the chosson shall not sit beside the kallah, nor touch her at all'.
And Rabbi Yonasan Eibeshitz wrote in Yaaros Devash8: 'Therefore from now on I shall, im yirtzeh Hashem, see to make a fence in this matter with all my ability, and I will not permit the writing of the tenaim agreement until both of them give a handshake pledge that they shall not touch one another's hand until their wedding. And concerning this Koheles said [ג, ט] עת לחבוק ועת לרחק מחבק ("a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing"), and this is why they are called "words of tenaim and a covenant" — words with which they make a covenant with a foreign god, to transgress the mitzvah of Hashem all the days of the tenaim engagement. Therefore, let one who fears and trembles at the word of Hashem turn to the sound of my words and listen, and let him not be concerned that youths will mock him and say, "This one is a foolish pietist; are you better in this than your fathers?" and similar things — for it is better for him to be a fool all his days than to be wicked before the Omnipresent'.
And in order that the chosson and kallah not stumble in the aforementioned severe prohibitions, we find in the poskim various takanos and minhogim that limit the meetings between the chosson and kallah, and in some communities the chosson and kallah did not meet at all from the shidduchin until the wedding.
And as the responsa of the Maharashdam wrote9 concerning the minhag of the Ashkenazim: ..that their way and their minhag is that the engaged man does not see his betrothed .
And in the sefer Eleh HaMitzvos by Rav Moshe Chagiz10 he wrote: 'And may our brethren, the inhabitants of Eretz Yisrael ת"ו, be remembered for good, who guard their daughters so that no onlooker's eye should have dominion over them; and even the chosson does not see his betrothed, other than at the time of the kiddushin'.
And see in Yaaros Devash there11, where he wrote: 'And thanks to G-d, here in my community a fence has been made that a chosson should not go to the kallah, except once a month, and then he should not remain longer than the tenth hour. Fortunate are they. And I hereby warn you: guard it as though one who transgresses it faces mortal danger, for by the Divine service, there is truly a tremendous danger in it; all who come to it reach the depths of Sheol. אוי לי אמי כי ילדתני ("Woe is me, my mother, that you bore me"), over the breach of the generation in the covenant. I hereby warn you: guard yourselves. And I am clear of my oath, the oath from Mount Sinai, to rebuke my fellow, for my throat is hoarse from my calling'.
And in the Pele Yoetz12: 'There are places where a kallah, while she is engaged, has a close familiarity with her chosson, and they have designated days on which they see one another face to face, such as on Chanukah and Purim and on the festivals and the like, and they sit one beside the other and speak together and laugh together, and similar evil minhogim that exist in the cities of Italy and in the cities of Ashkenaz and in some cities of Turkey. And they have already cried out against this evil minhag in the sefarim, for just as it is impossible for fire in flax not to blaze .. and if he escapes actual transgression, he does not escape improper thought. One cannot say that he goes clean. Therefore an obligation rests upon whoever has it in his power to rectify and to protest for the sake of the honor of His Name, that he roar like a lion and go forth to arms to abolish this evil minhag .. And how good and how pleasant is the minhag of some cities of Turkey, that the chosson does not see the face of the kallah until the time of the chuppah. Let the righteous man take hold of this way. And if he cannot rectify it for all the people of the city, let him rectify it for his sons and for those who attach themselves to him and who heed his word, for in truth Chazal said (Kallah, Perek 1) that a kallah without a bracha is forbidden to her husband like a niddah. And through this sin and the like — the sin of youth — firstborn sons die young, and a woman miscarries. Therefore, one who loves his children should guard them from every sin and every transgression, and especially from this severe sin, for he is destroying a soul. And it is better still not to arrange shidduchin for one's children except close to the age of marriage, so that they not be preoccupied and inflamed after the kallah, and no mishap should come about, and there should arise for them relief and deliverance, joy and gladness'.
Thus we have seen the words of the poskim regarding the halachos and the cautions that are to be observed between the chosson and kallah during the period after the shidduchin, and regarding the takanos that the great ones of the generations instituted; and tomorrow we shall see the words of the Rebbe on the matter.
Notes:
1 שו"ע אהע"ז סי' נה ס"ק א ↩
2 כתובות פ"א סי' ז ↩
3 שו"ע אבהע"ז סי' נה ס"א בהג"ה, וראה מש"כ ביפה ללב ח"ד סימן נה ס"ק א: 'ורוח ה' דיבר בו שכמה שידוכין מתבטלים בשביל זה ואפי' שלא היו דרים ביחד *רק שהם נכנסים ויוצאים פעמים רבות אתו לידי פירוד הלבבות ויתפרדו הלבבות ויתפרדו זה מזה'* ↩
4 יש"ש בכתובות פ"א סי' יז ↩
5 פי"ז סי' ז ↩
6 ראה כנה"ג הגה"ט סי' סו. באר הגולה יו"ד סי' קצב ס"ק ז בשם השל"ה. חיד"א בצפורן שמיר סי' ו אות פז ↩
7 שער האותיות אות ק ↩
8 ח"א דרוש ג ↩
9 אבהע"ז סי' לא ↩
10 מצוה תקנ"ב ↩
11 דרוש יב ↩
12 ערך כלה ↩
[4] (Halacha 412)
Question: What are the precautions required of a chosson and kallah after the vort? [2]
Answer: In the previous halacha we saw the warnings and takanos of gedolei Yisroel regarding the period from the shidduch until the wedding, in which they wrote that it is proper to do away with, and at the very least to minimize, the meetings between the chosson and kallah. In the Rebbe's words too we saw that he raised this point many times, and he also wrote that they should not stay together in one city. And in general, so that no mishap should result, he instructed that it is proper to shorten the time between the shidduchin and the wedding. In this halacha we will see a number of the directives on this matter:
The Rebbe writes in a letter1: 'For even when the chosson and kallah are in the same city, or in two cities not far from one another, behold, it is the way of Yiddishkeit to refrain from meeting one another before the wedding'.
And in a number of the Chabad seforim that deal with the period of the shidduchin there are cited2 directives from the Rebbe whose content is to minimize very, very much3 the meetings between the chosson and kallah after the shidduch4, 5.
And at the farbrengen of Shabbos Parshas Beshalach, 11 Shevat 57246 the Rebbe also raised the precaution that the chosson and kallah should not stay in the same city during the period before the wedding7.
And in a response in his holy handwriting8: 'It is known — that in general it is desirable that after the decision regarding a shidduch and the marriage the chosson and kallah שי' should minimize being in one city'.
In another response the Rebbe writes9: 'I already told him long ago that in my opinion he should be not in New York until the wedding (at a good and auspicious time), and a hotel does not render permissible a matter which according to Shulchan Aruch one need not do'.
And in a response in yechidus10 the Rebbe told a chosson whose kallah was in Eretz Yisroel that it is correct that he not travel to Eretz Yisroel unless his presence is needed to help for the wedding.
And in a response to a chosson who wrote to the Rebbe about difficulties that had arisen for him after the shidduch, the Rebbe answered11: 'Only one thing: they meet several times etc. — in a manner that is not at all fitting with Shulchan Aruch, and from this come all his troubles12, and when he stops פאלגן [=obeying] the yetzer hora — the troubles will stop. He has seen miracles tangibly, and he persists in his way: the yetzer וויל [=wants] and therefore he must do so!!.
Therefore the Rebbe instructed that the date of the wedding should not be set far in time from the conclusion of the shidduch, in order to prevent stumbling blocks, and as the Rebbe's words13: 'Whoever shortens the time between the decision and the wedding, this is praiseworthy'.
And in a response to one who wrote that he has doubts about the shidduch, the Rebbe wrote14: 'The thoughts and doubts that he writes have no substance at all, and their cause — since the wedding date was set for several months later — is that from time to time one does not withstand the test and transgresses etc. in matters of tznius etc. — and the advice for this, in order to withstand the test, is to move up the date of the wedding, at a good and auspicious time'.
So we have seen that the Rebbe wrote that it is the way of Yiddishkeit to refrain from meeting until after the wedding, and at the very least, even where there is a need, to limit the meetings very, very much; and therefore the chosson and kallah should not be in the same place; and that in general it is proper to reduce the time between the vort and the wedding
Notes:
1 Printed in Yagdil Torah (Yerushalayim) issue 11 p. 14 (in a free translation from English) ↩
2 See Shidduchin V'Nisuim, Shaar HaMaaseh p. 170, and see the pamphlet Hachana LaChasunah (Kretz) p. 40: that in the years when the Rebbe was mesader chuppah v'kiddushin, the Rebbe did not agree to be mesader the chuppah for a chosson and kallah who flew on the same plane to New York, since this is the opposite of tznius ↩
3 In Shulchan Menachem vol. 6 p. 145 note 4 it is brought in the name of Rabbi Y. L. Groner that the Rebbe told him: 'The less they meet the better. Not to meet or to speak on the telephone more than once a week, and even if less, that is fine'. But some have written — see the kovetz Hachanos LaChasunah - Kretz p. 41 and in note 70 — that this was an exceptional directive for a special case ↩
4 But to note that in the sefer Asif — Minhogim V'Hanhogos L'Chassidei Chabad by Rabbi M. Wahba he brings on p. 461 note 142 from a letter of the Rebbe that was cited in the sefer HaPartizan p. 353: 'As for what he writes, that from the kallah's side they demand that his visits be more regular — behold, I do not know the minhag in this in Eretz Yisroel, and he too should act in this according to the minhag. And it is not an excuse that the work demands etc., for surely Hashem will grant success in time, and it will suffice for both matters, and on the contrary' ↩
5 Rabbi Yeshaya Hertzel related: During the period when I was a chosson, I indeed refrained from meeting with my kallah until the time of the wedding — since I knew the Rebbe's holy opinion, which forbids the chosson and kallah to meet during this period. But before the festival of Purim my family convinced me that it was permitted for my kallah to participate with me at the festive seudah, but that she would sit at a different table, and I agreed. Before Pesach the family again tried to obtain my agreement that the kallah eat with me at one of the seudos of the festival. I wrote to the Rebbe about this and received the following answer: *'Over the earlier ones (Purim) we are distressed etc.'* ↩
6 Toras Menachem vol. 39 p. 11 note 11 ↩
7 See Shidduchin V'Nisuin vol. 2 p. 169, that in general the Rebbe said in yechidus to many chassanim and kallos not to stay permanently in the same city, and generally chassanim whose kallah lived in New York traveled to learn in Morristown. And see also Kodesh Pnima p. 85 note 116 ↩
8 A photocopy of the handwritten response in Otzar HaMelech vol. 2 p. 167 ↩
9 Mikdash Melech vol. 1 p. 48 ↩
10 Heichal Menachem vol. 2 p. 219 ↩
11 From a photocopy of the handwritten response ↩
12 To note also from Igros Kodesh vol. 9 pp. 209-210, and vol. 15 p. 113 ↩
13 See in the sefer Shidduchim V'Nisuin many further directives on this ↩
14 From a photocopy of the handwritten response ↩
[5] (Halacha 421)
Question: In practice, according to the Chabad minhag today, when are the tenaim written?
Answer: In earlier times the tenaim were written immediately upon the closing of the shidduch; however, over the course of time the minhag changed in some Jewish communities, and they deferred the writing of the tenaim to close to the wedding, as was mentioned in halacha 405. And so we find at the wedding of the Rebbe and the Rebbetzin, that the tenaim were made only a few days before the wedding, on the night preceding Monday, 6 Kislev1.
This practice is already cited in a number of the Acharonim: that in place of writing a shtar tenaim, they perform only a kinyan and write roshei perakim, while the writing of the shtar tenaim they deferred to closer to the time of the wedding. As the Maharsham writes2: 'Therefore, also nowadays, when the minhag has spread to write roshei perakim, and tenaim are not written until before the chuppah'.
And in Shu"t Imrei Yosher3 he wrote: 'And in the case at hand as well, His Honor has aptly noted that since nowadays, for the most part, tenaim are not written until close to the chuppah, the matter is consequently finalized by means of the roshei perakim; and someone has already noted this in a responsum in Bais Yitzchok, Even Ha'ezer vol. 1 §112, and the Bais Yitzchok replied that he had not heard of this minhag — but now that the minhag is for the most part so, it is again considered as finalized'.
At first, however, this practice was not yet accepted among Anash, who continued to make the tenaim immediately at the outset, at the time of the closing of the shidduch.
But it appears that at the beginning of his nesius the Rebbe began to change this practice, and moreover directed that the tenaim be written on the very day of the chuppah, as the Rebbe wrote4: 'As to what he writes in his letter, that he intends to write the tenaim on the day of the wedding — there is no room for doubt, and it is correct to do so; and may the tenaim as well be b'sha'ah tovah umutzlachas'. Subsequently this practice took hold, and today everyone writes them on the day of the chuppah5.
Cherem, Shevuah, and Kenas
In earlier times there were those who included in the shtar tenaim also a cherem or a shevuah and fines, in order to give force to the shidduch and to prevent its being broken, and at the very least so that there would be compensation for damages in the event that someone should cancel it, Rachmana litzlan. But this practice too gradually fell away — at first the cherem and the shevuah6, and afterwards the kenas as well, as the Rebbe writes7: 'In reply to his letter — without indication of the date of its writing — in which he writes about the wording of the tenaim as it is among us. It is indeed correct that this is the wording from the Rebbe, the Tzemach Tzedek, and I have in my possession a photograph of the tenaim, and the Tzemach Tzedek also added in his own holy handwriting, and in it too the ends of the lines are not even, etc. in addition to the fact that nothing is found there regarding a kenas, etc.'.
And particularly according to our minhag today, that the tenaim are written literally adjacent to the wedding, there is certainly no longer any reason to write the fines, etc., whose purpose was to ensure that one side would not cancel the shidduchim without the consent of the other side.
And although according to this there would seemingly no longer be any reason at all to write the shtar tenaim, nevertheless the custom is to write the tenaim, since it also contains segulos and brochos for the chosson and kallah, as is likewise explained in Likutei Maharich, Seder Nisuin8.
Noting Yerushalayim as the Place of the Wedding
In the older wording, which was written a considerable time before the wedding, when the place at which the wedding would be held had not yet been agreed upon, they would sometimes note9 that the place of the wedding would be, b'ezras Hashem, in Yerushalayim habenuyah. But now, when the tenaim are written close to the chuppah, and when the place of the wedding is agreed upon and they are about to be married there on that very day, one should not write that the wedding will be in Yerushalayim, as the Rebbe wrote10 in explaining why, in the shtar tenaim of the Rebbetzin Mrs. Sheina with R' Menachem Mendel HaKohen Horenstein, Hy"d, they did not copy in that the wedding would be in Yerushalayim: that this depends on whether, at the time of the writing of the tenaim, the place of the wedding had already been agreed upon or not.
Notes:
1 סדר תנאים (לוין) ע' נט - סא. ואג"ק אדמו"ר הריי"ץ חט"ו ע' נ. ולהעיר מהמסופר (שנים ראשונות ע' 363) שר' שמואל זלמנוב שאל את הרבי עם היה מנין בעת כתיבת התנאים והרבי ענה לו 'כמדומה שלא' ↩
2 ח"ג סי' קכז ↩
3 ח"ב סי' קכב ↩
4 אג"ק ח"ז ע' יט ↩
5 ראה סדר תנאים שם ע' יג - יד ↩
6 ראה סדר תנאים שם ע' ט, משו"ת עמק שאלה (להרה"ק הר' מרדכי דוב מהורנוסטייפל) אהע"ז סי' עה ↩
7 אג"ק חי"ג ע' קלד ↩
8 וכ"כ גם בקובץ שערי תורה שנה יב סי' כג שזהו ענין סגולי. וראה גם בשלחן העזר ח"א סי' ב בשמלה לצבי סק"א שכתב: 'ואפשר דמהאי טעמא יראי ה' ואנשי מעשה אם שכחו או מאיזה אונס לא כתבו תנאים בשעת קישור השידוכין אזי מתאמצים וכותבין התנאים על כל פנים בראשי פרקים קודם החופה, ואין זה מחמת תנאים אחרונים המבואר באבן העזר (סימן נ"א) כי אין כותבין כאן התחייבות, אלא ודאי לחזק מנהג הישן ומטעם הנ"ל' ↩
9 כגון בשטר התנאים של אדמו"ר הרש"ב שנכתב עשר שנים לפני החתונה ראה סדר תנאים שם פרק יד ↩
10 רשימת היומן ע' רלא, סדר תנאים שם ע' סב. וראה גם במקדש ישראל ע' 216 (הובא גם בחוברת הכנות לחתונה - קרץ ע' צט הערה 73) המעשה עם הרב י.ב. סולובייציק ↩
[6] (Halacha 676)
Question: What is the source for the celebration on the Shabbos before the wedding?
Answer: Some have written that the source and root of the minhag1 is in the Talmud Yerushalmi2: 'Mishnah: One who imposes a vow upon his fellow that he eat with him, and he does not trust him regarding the tithes — he may eat with him on the first Shabbos even though he is not trusted regarding the tithes, provided that he says to him, they are tithed. And on the second Shabbos, even though he takes a vow forbidding benefit from him, he may not eat until he tithes. Gemara: R' Yannai bei Rabbi Yishmael in the name of R' Yochanan: on the Shabbos of protogamia they permitted it because of enmity. Said Rabbi Avun: here they permitted tevalim because of the ways of peace.'
And as to the meaning of the word protogamia, R' Yeshaya ben Malkitzedek wrote on the Mishnah: 'On the first Shabbos. Our version reads: Said R' Yannai b'R' Yishmael in the name of R' Yochanan: on the Shabbos of protogamia they permitted it because of enmity. Explanation: this is the Greek tongue, and its meaning is the first Shabbos of rejoicing — proto, first; gamo, rejoicing. And likewise in the land of Greece, when a bachelor marries a virgin, that marriage they call protogamo, but a widower with a virgin or a bachelor with a widow they do not call so, but rather gamo.'
And so wrote Rabbeinu Shimshon [and the Rosh] on the Mishnah: 'It is explained in the Yerushalmi: R' Yannai b'R' Yishmael in the name of R' Yochanan: on the Shabbos of protogama they permitted it because of enmity. The seudos of a bachelor who married a virgin are called in the Greek tongue protogama. In Vayikra Rabbah: the protogama of the righteous in the time to come'3.
And several of the Acharonim wrote4 that the intent is to the seudah that they made on the Shabbos before the marriage.
And we likewise find this minhag in the words of the Rishonim, as the Rashba wrote in Mishmeres HaBayis5: 'And I say that the minhag of Israel in each and every place is Torah, and all that they do in their minhogim has its foundation in holiness, and in all our places they instituted the minhag to prepare a seudah and rejoicing on the Shabbos before the Shabbos of the marriage, and this is the tevi'ah, and from it we count for her these seven'6.
[And the Toras HaShelamim wrote on this7: 'And his words are according to the minhag that they had of marrying on Erev Shabbos and immersing toward the entry of Shabbos, as explained in Even HaEzer siman 64 [se'if 3]; and one must say that immediately on the Erev Shabbos before the Shabbos of the marriage, when they prepare themselves for the seudah, that is called the day of the tevi'ah — for if not so, we would not find seven clean days, and this is easily understood. And now that most have the minhag to immerse on Thursday night, one must say that the day of the tevi'ah is reckoned two or three days before Shabbos, in line with what we say at the beginning of Kesubos, that a person should exert himself three days'].
This minhag is cited among the sages of Ashkenaz, and on its account they even set aside matters of mourning of the Nine Days (but not of Tisha B'Av), as stated in Minhagei Maharil8: 'Mahari Segal made a Shpinholtz9 for his son R' Shimon while he was still a youth, on Shabbos, the 6th of Av, and the father wore only a Shabbos katta10 in honor of his son, while the chosson wore all the Shabbos garments11. And the entire congregation went to him and rejoiced with him after the seudah with wine and with fruit, as is the minhag on every Shabbos night preceding the Shabbos of the marriage.'
And so wrote Mahari of Bruna12: 'I heard from my kinsman, my brother-in-law, R' Yuzi Ganz, that he heard from Mahari Molin that his wedding fell on the Shabbos after Chazon, and on Shabbos Chazon his father, Mahari Molin, did not make a Farshpiel as they are accustomed to make on Erev Shabbos on other Shabbosos. And afterwards the wedding of his brother, Moreinu HaRav Shimon, likewise occurred in the same manner, and he did make a Farshpiel on Shabbos Chazon. And they asked him what the difference was, and he answered that he had now found so in a collection. And it seems to me that this is from the law of the Gemara, for it is proven in Perek HaCholetz (there) according to all opinions that it is permitted to betroth before the week in which Tisha B'Av falls, and even to make a betrothal seudah — since it raises a difficulty on that beraisa which says that in that week it is forbidden to betroth: you should say that it speaks of betrothal specifically with a betrothal seudah, and therefore it is forbidden; from which it follows that on the Shabbos before it even a seudah is permitted, even though they do not abstain. For if it is because another may precede him, let him make the betrothal without a seudah, where there is no rejoicing — even so it is permitted. All the more so a Farshpiel, where there is no seudah and they merely go to honor the father of the chosson and of the kallah, which is permitted; and even though they give them roasted grains and nuts, that is not considered a seudah and it is permitted, as I explained. Thus it appears to me, Yisrael of Bruna.'
And in Leket Yosher13 he wrote: 'And when Tisha B'Av falls on Shabbos .. and also they do not make on that Shabbos a Borshpiel, which is called in my land Shpinolsh, all this in Neustadt.'
And so ruled the Rema14: 'And one who has a wedding on Shabbos Nachamu is permitted to wear Shabbos garments on Shabbos Chazon.' And the Magen Avraham15 noted the minhag of the Maharil.
And in the sefer Nohag KaTzon Yosef16 he wrote: 'On the Shabbos before the wedding they increase in rejoicing in honor of the chosson, for the seven days of feasting begin from the Shabbos before the wedding until the Shabbos after the chuppah, and they call the Shabbos before the chuppah Shban Aletz17, meaning that the son — that is, the chosson — rejoices, based on the verse יעלזו חסידים בכבוד ירננו על משכבותם ("Let the pious exult in glory; let them sing joyously upon their beds"), and for this reason the chazzanim have the minhag to sing Hashkiveinu on the night of that Shabbos until the conclusion of the bracha of Ufros .. And the minhag of Frankfurt is that the relatives go to the house of the chosson and to the house of the kallah on Shabbos night after the seudah and taste something there, as on the Shabbos before a milah.'
And note the early minhag brought in the sefer Yosef Ometz18 of celebrating two Shabbosos before the wedding: 'And I remember in the days of my youth that there was a minhag here to begin the rejoicing of kallah and chosson two Shabbosos before the marriage: the first Shabbos they would call the small Shpinholtz and the second the great Shpinholtz. And the minhag then was not to invite the guests to the small Shpinholtz before Shabbos by way of the shamash, but rather on Shabbos itself and by way of a youth from a tzettel, as above. And afterwards the Av Beis Din, the judge who was in those days, agreed together with the members of the yeshiva here, of blessed memory, and they proclaimed under great penalty that also for the small Shpinholtz they should invite the guests before Shabbos; and so it continued as a matter of course until close to this time, when the small Shpinholtz was abolished entirely.'
Thus we have seen that it is an early minhag in Israel to celebrate on the Shabbos before the wedding, and in the next halacha we will deal with the minhag of the aliyah to the Torah on this Shabbos.
--
Notes:
1 Some have noted (Netei Gavriel, Nisuin ch. 2 note 9. Cheker V'Iyun, Inyanei Nisuin, Kislev 5782 p. 5, and see there note 8. And this is not the place to elaborate) to Maseches Sofrim ch. 19, and Pirkei D'Rabbi Eliezer ch. 17 at its end ↩
2 Maseches Demai 4:2 ↩
3 And the Pnei Moshe (Sheviis 4:8) wrote: 'Protogamia. It is a foreign Greek word for the kinds of delicacies and fruits that are customarily brought to a bachelor who marries a virgin' ↩
4 As the Radal wrote, and in the Etz Yosef in the commentary on Vayikra Rabbah 11:2. And note what Rabbi Menachem di Lonzano wrote in Sefer HaMaarich, letter mem, entry משתיתן ↩
5 Bayis 7, Shaar 2, 6b ↩
6 And in Piskei Dinim of the Tzemach Tzedek, YD siman 192, se'if 6, he wrote that this minhag has remained until today ↩
7 Siman 192, s"k 4. Brought by the Sidrei Tahara there, s"k 12 ↩
8 The laws of the 17th of Tammuz and Tisha B'Av ↩
9 And the Machatzis HaShekel, OC siman 551, s"k 6, explained: 'Shpinholtz. It is what we call Farshpiel' ↩
10 Machatzis HaShekel there: 'Katta. It is an outer garment. But the rest of the garments he wore were weekday ones' ↩
11 And see Responsa of Rabbi Yedidya Tiah Weil, siman 40 ↩
12 Responsa, siman 15 ↩
13 OC p. 110b ↩
14 Shulchan Aruch OC siman 551, se'if 1, in the gloss ↩
15 s"k 6 ↩
16 Minhagei Nisuin (in the Tel Aviv 5729 edition, p. 112, os 2) ↩
17 And in Responsa Chavos Yair siman 66: 'I was at the seudos of *Shpin Holtz*, as they are accustomed to make on the Shabbos night before the wedding' ↩
18 Vol. 1 siman 657 ↩
[7] (Halacha 677)
Question: What is the source and the reason for the aliyah to the Torah on the Shabbos before the wedding?
Answer: It is written in the gloss on the Levush1: 'And I said that I would present before you the minhag of Posen regarding the calling up to the Sefer Torah — who are the obligated ones to go up and who is deferred, and whoever has precedence to go up .. the chosson on the Shabbos before the wedding, and specifically one for whom they sing is obligated to go up, but a widower, for whom they do not sing, is not obligated; [but one] for whom they do sing — even if the wedding will not be in that same week, such as one who is going to make his chupah in another city — is obligated to go up.'
And so too wrote the Magen Avraham2: The chosson on the Shabbos before the wedding, and even if the wedding will not be in that same week, such as when he travels a long distance for the wedding; and specifically one for whom they sing, but a widower, for whom they do not sing, no. (And it appears to me that if he thought the wedding would be in that week and he was an obligated one, and afterwards the wedding was postponed — if he wants them to sing for him, he is obligated a second time on the Shabbos before the wedding)'.
And the Mishnah Berurah wrote3: 'The chosson on the Shabbos before the wedding likewise takes precedence over all the obligated ones, and even if the wedding will not be in that same week, such as when he goes to make his chupah in another city far from here, he likewise defers all the obligated ones; and specifically one for whom they sing, but a widower, for whom they do not sing, is not an obligated one on the Shabbos before the wedding, even if she is a besulah [and in Shaarei Ephraim he wrote that if there are no obligated ones, he should be called up before others]; and if the chosson thought the wedding would be in that week and afterwards the wedding was postponed and was in another week — if he wants them to sing for him a second time, it is an obligation to call him then, and if not, it is not an obligation'.
And as to the reason for the minhag we find several explanations, as follows:
a) It is written in Responsa Ginas Veradim4: 'It appears to me to examine and to ask what support there is for this minhag that they adopted, to gladden a chosson and a baal bris with a row of men who go up and read in the Torah publicly. And it appears in my humble opinion that since the mitzvah of chupah is the upholding and establishing of the Torah, for if there is no procreation there is no Torah .. and the chupah and the children are the essence of a person's joy, that he leaves survivors after him — therefore the early ones saw fit that they should rejoice with Torah study, which is the essence of the joy of Israel, as it is written "פקודי ה' ישרים משמחי לב" ("the statutes of Hashem are upright, gladdening the heart"), and they are their life and the length of their days. And this is certainly the honor of the Torah, that they set its joy above their own joy, as it is written "נגילה ונשמחה בך בתורתך" ("we shall rejoice and be glad in You — in Your Torah"), that is, the twenty-two letters with which the Torah was given. And this is the reason for the day of Simchas Torah, that all go up and read on one matter, for it is known that we have no day of joy in the entire year like the day of Shemini, Chag Atzeres, which is the day designated for the King and His beloved to rejoice together, and no stranger shall pass among them. We have thus learned that this minhag is the honor of the Torah'.
b) And in Midrash Talpiyos by Rabbi Eliyahu HaItamari5 he wrote that this is based on what is explained in Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer, that a chosson is likened to a king: 'Just as the king writes two Sifrei Torah, so too with a chosson the minhag is to call him to the Sefer Torah twice: once on the Shabbos before the chupah and once on the Shabbos after the chupah'.
And in Sefer Mat'amim6 he brings from Sefer Ateres Yaakov v'Yisrael: 'The reason they call him to go up to the Torah on the Shabbos before the chupah and on the Shabbos after it is so that he should know the difference between the Torah he learned before the chupah and the Torah after the chupah, for one who dwells without a wife dwells without Torah and without a bracha, and she is called Torah and bracha'.
And in Klilas Chasanim7 he wrote: 'The minhag of Ashkenazim is that on the Shabbos before the marriage the congregation brings the chosson to the shul and he goes up to the Torah, in accordance with what our Sages of blessed memory said, that one who dwells without a wife dwells without Torah, and now, when he marries a wife, he indeed has Torah'.
c) And in Imrei Pinchas by the holy Rabbi Pinchas of Koritz8 he wrote: 'The reason they call the chosson to go up to the Torah on the Shabbos before the wedding, according to the plain meaning — apart from there being reasons according to the hidden [teachings] — is that they show thereby that he is an adult and that his kiddushin are valid kiddushin, for a minor does not go up to the Sefer Torah. Therefore he must be called specifically among the seven who are called, and not for maftir, for even a minor goes up for maftir'.
d) And in Sefer HaMinhagim9 it is brought: 'A chosson on the Shabbos before his chupah is called up to the Torah. For a chosson and kallah uphold the world, to raise children who occupy themselves with Torah. Therefore they call him to read the letters of the Torah, which are what uphold the Ten Utterances'10.
And at greater length the Rebbe explained in the sichah of 9 Tammuz 571011: 'And this is one of the reasons for the minhag that the chosson goes up to the Torah before the wedding (not on the reading day closest to the wedding, but) specifically on Shabbos, since the day of Shabbos includes all the days of the week, which are blessed from it .. And it may be added .. the aliyah to the Torah — its content is the drawing down of an additional eternal life-force of holiness (in addition to the holiness that is drawn from Above by virtue of the matter of the day of Shabbos, which is 'מקדשא וקיימא' (sanctified and standing)), as is emphasized in the wording of the bracha after the aliyah to the Torah: 'וחיי עולם נטע בתוכנו' ("and eternal life He implanted within us"), through this that 'נתן לנו תורת אמת' ("He gave us the Torah of truth"), for true life without interruption ('חיי עולם') is from the side of holiness ('תורת אמת'), which is infinite. And therefore, the aliyah to the Torah on the Shabbos before the wedding is a giving of strength to the wedding, that it should be in the manner of 'בנין עדי עד' ("an edifice for all eternity"), 'דור ישרים יבורך' ("a generation of the upright shall be blessed"), children and grandchildren occupying themselves with Torah and mitzvos, as is known that through this the infinite power within created beings is revealed. And a special giving of strength for one who merits to go up to the Torah in the room of the Rebbe, my father-in-law, הכ"מ, in which he prayed and learned, and in which he became bound with the level of yechidah of so very many of Israel who were received for 'yechidus' — through which there is added still more in the matter of 'חיי עולם נטע בתוכנו', true life without interruption, since they are permeated with holiness, which is infinite'.
In this halacha we have seen the source for a chosson going up to the Torah on the Shabbos before the wedding, and the reasons for this. In the next halacha we will see further details and minhogim regarding this aliyah.
---
Notes:
1 או"ח סי' רפב ס"ז ↩
2 סי' רפב ס"ק יח ↩
3 ביאור הלכה סי' קלו ס"א ↩
4 חאו"ח כלל ב סי' כג ↩
5 אות ח ענף חתן וכלה ↩
6 אות ח סעיף כ ↩
7 (קיירא, תר"ע) פ"א אות א ↩
8 שער תורת האדם אות נג ↩
9 ע' 75 מדרושי חתונה, סה"מ תרפ"ט קונטרסים יט, ב ↩
10 וראה מאמר ד"ה וכל בניך תשי"ד בסופו ↩
11 תו"מ התש"י ע' 119 ו125 ↩
[8] (Halacha 678)
Question: A chosson who receives an aliyah to the Torah at the Rebbe's, but not on the Shabbos immediately preceding the wedding — rather on the Shabbos before that — is he a chiyuv, and what is his status on the Shabbos that follows?
Answer: In the previous halacha1 we saw the words of the Magen Avraham2, who added to the words of the Levush and wrote: 'The chosson on the Shabbos before the wedding, and even if the wedding will not be that week, such as where he travels a long distance for the wedding; and this applies specifically to one for whom they sing, but a widower, for whom they do not sing, no (and it appears to me that if he thought the wedding would be that week and he was a chiyuv, and afterwards the wedding was postponed, if he wants them to sing for him he is a chiyuv a second time on the Shabbos before the wedding)'.
If so, even an aliyah earlier than the week before the wedding — such as a chosson who travels to marry in another city — insofar as they sing for the chosson3 — that is, that this is the Shabbos on which they celebrate and sing in honor of the chosson — this too is considered his day of rejoicing, so that he is a chiyuv, and he must be given an aliyah. Accordingly, per our minhag, where they indeed do not sing but they throw sweets at the chosson and hold a farbrengen in honor of this when he goes up to the Torah, then that is the primary chiyuv, even if it is not the Shabbos immediately preceding the wedding,
And it appears from the words of the poskim that there is no minhag to sing and celebrate again in honor of the chosson on the following Shabbos, which is the Shabbos adjacent to the wedding; but insofar as they do sing for him again, he is a chiyuv then as well4.
★ ★ ★
Question: For the purpose of the aliyah, is it permitted to take the sefer Torah to the chosson's home?
Answer: Rabbi Meir Arik wrote in Imrei Yosher5: 'And regarding the minhag of bringing a sefer Torah to the chosson's home and reading there on the Shabbos Kodesh of the forshpiel alone, without establishing a fixed place for it, as explained in Shulchan Aruch OC siman 135 and in the Acharonim there — in my opinion there is no permission whatsoever for it. And even the Eliyah Rabbah permitted it on account of the congregation only where it is impossible for the congregation to daven and to read from the Torah, as there, where there were שי' kohanim there and they could not come to the shul. Also the responsum of the Beis Shlomo, OC siman 34, is dealing with such a case; but in our matter, where both the congregation and the chosson are able to go to the shul, I see no permission in the matter. And see the Daas Kedoshim, newly printed, on Sta"m, siman 282; but in a case such as ours, where on the contrary the congregation would leave their fixed place and go to the chosson's home, and the sefer Torah would be carried there, I see no permission whatsoever; and "an important person" means specifically in wisdom'.
And in Responsa Meishiv Halacha6 he wrote that it is permitted to take a sefer Torah for the purpose of the Shabbos of sheva brochos7, and he explained: 'However, in the case of a chosson after the chupah, for whom it is called a regel, and those who daven with him are drawn after him regarding tachanun, one may well say that he is called an important person and it is permitted. And now Responsa Imrei Yosher vol. 2 has come to my hand, and I saw there in siman 197, os 5, that he was asked about a chosson at the forshpiel, whether it is permitted to bring a sefer Torah to him, and he wrote that it is forbidden — and this does not contradict our view, for there it is before the wedding and he does not yet have this distinction, and this is obvious'.
If so, for the purpose of the chosson's aliyah one should not bring a sefer Torah to the chosson's home, except under special conditions which will be explained, be"H, in a separate halacha.
★ ★ ★
Question: Which aliyah is it customary to give the chosson?
Answer: Some have mentioned a minhag to give the chosson the aliyah of shlishi, as written in Mekor Chaim (Bachrach)8: 'And even a chosson, who has a fixed place according to the minhag to call him for shlishi, nevertheless one may say that it is not comparable to a fixed minhag based on the Gemara'.
And some wrote that the minhag is to give him maftir, as the Mishnah Berurah wrote9: 'There are places where they have instituted nowadays to throw raisins before the chosson on the Shabbos before his wedding, at the time they call him for maftir, and they do not act properly, for they are soft and become repulsive through this, as stated above'.
And so too wrote Shulchan HaEzer10: 'In our country the minhag is that the chosson on the Shabbos before the wedding goes up for maftir, and I have not found a source for this minhag; and why should he not go up among the seven called up, since he is a chiyuv? In any event, leave Israel be, and a minhag of Israel is Torah. Nevertheless, in a place where there is no kohen it is certainly more fitting that the chosson go up in place of the kohen, for the reason written by the Pri Chadash mentioned above, and with support from the aforementioned Gemara in Moed Katan; and all the more so, if the chosson is a kohen it is certainly forbidden to deprive him of the positive mitzvah of "וקידשתו" ("and you shall sanctify him"), to recite the bracha first'.
And in Responsa Tzitz Eliezer11 he explained a reason for this minhag: 'And in my humble opinion it appears that the practice of calling him only for maftir, and not among the seven called up, was instituted because they sing for him and throw upon his head, etc., bundles of sweets, etc., and through this noise and confusion are created in the shul, by young and old alike. And this caused levity and confusion, and a certain degree of disturbance to the continuity of the reading and to listening with the required seriousness; therefore they instituted to call him at the end of the reading, for maftir'.
On the other hand, in Imrei Pinchas12 he wrote that they call the chosson specifically from among the seven called up, and not maftir, for by this they show that he is an adult and his kiddushin are valid kiddushin, since a minor goes up to the sefer Torah only for maftir.
And in practice, in Beis Chayeinu, due to the multitude of chassanim, may they increase, there is no particular aliyah for which the chassanim specifically go up.
In the next halacha we will see additional minhogim regarding the chosson's aliyah to the Torah.
--------------
Notes:
1 Number 676 ↩
2 Siman 282, s.k. 18 ↩
3 In the Ashkenazic communities the minhag was to sing a special song: 'אחד יחיד ומיוחד', composed by Rabbeinu Avigdor Kara, a contemporary of the Maharil (see Sefer Devarim Nechmodim (Husiatyn 5662) p. 15) ↩
4 And seemingly, according to the Rebbe's explanation of the reason for the aliyah to the Torah (and likewise according to several of the other explanations cited above), it is proper that the chosson go up to the Torah in any case, also on the Shabbos immediately preceding it, even if they do not celebrate with him with a special Kiddush. (Except that in such a situation he is not counted among the chiyuvim for the aliyos, which is only when they celebrate with him, and then he is a baal simcha, etc. And see Shaarei Efraim, shaar 2, os 3, on the aforementioned words of the Magen Avraham in a case where the wedding was postponed: 'In our country the minhag is not to sing for him a second time, and therefore he is no longer a chiyuv on the Shabbos when the wedding is set for the following week') ↩
5 Responsa, vol. 2, siman 197, os 5 ↩
6 Vol. 2, siman 178 ↩
7 And see also Responsa Igros Moshe OC vol. 1, siman 34 ↩
8 OC siman 135 ↩
9 Siman 171, s.k. 21 ↩
10 Vol. 2, siman 6, se'if 1, s.k. 3 ↩
11 Vol. 21, siman 20 ↩
12 Os 965 ↩
[9] (Halacha 679)
Question: What is the source for throwing sweets at the chosson?
Answer: We saw in the previous halacha, from the words of the poskim, that the minhag was to throw sweets / raisins and the like on the chosson at the time of his aliyah to the Torah.
And the poskim wrote1 that the source of our minhag is based on the Gemara in Maseches Brochos2: 'They draw wine through pipes before a chosson and before a kallah, and they throw before them roasted grain (kalyos) and nuts in the summer days, but not in the rainy season.' And indeed, in the Gemara there the intent is that they threw them at the time of the chuppah and the wedding, but from this the minhag evolved to do so on Shabbos Chosson as well.
And in Kelilas Chasanim3 he wrote: 'The minhag of Ashkenazim is that on the Shabbos before the wedding the congregation brings the chosson to the shul and he goes up to the Torah, in accordance with what our Sages said, that one who dwells without a wife dwells without Torah, and now that he is marrying a wife he indeed has Torah .. and the women throw sweets on the chosson's head and the children gather them up, and a precedent for this is the distribution of kalyos mentioned in the Gemara'.
The importance of the minhag can be seen from what is related about the holy Rebbe, the Minchas Elazar of Munkatch, in the sefer Darkei Chaim V'Shalom4: 'And when the chosson went up for the reading of the Torah .. and while they were singing to the chosson, the women would throw nuts and the like from the women's section and from the vestibule of the beis hamedrash, and even when the women came into the beis hamedrash itself for the purpose of throwing nuts at the time of the singing to the chosson, he did not protest, and he said: because we see that the modernizers are abolishing this minhag, therefore we must strengthen it against them.'
And the Acharonim wrote several reasons for our minhag. In the notes of the publisher of Darkei Chaim V'Shalom there he wrote: 'Now, from all the aforementioned Rishonim it is explained that all this is to be done after the chuppah, and our minhag of throwing nuts on the holy Shabbos before the wedding is based on the Zohar, that all the brochos above and below depend on the seventh day, and as is explained in Be'er Mayim Chaim, parshas Nitzavim, that of every miracle that was performed at their departure from Egypt, its essence and root was accomplished on the Shabbos preceding it, and as is explained in Yitav Panim (in the ma'amar Pi Parshiyos) that we bless the month on the Shabbos before it, since the essence of the renewal of the month depends on the Shabbos before it, see there; and since the Beis Yosef wrote in Shulchan Aruch in siman 171 in the name of Rashi that they throw nuts as a good sign, therefore they do this on the preceding Shabbos, so that the entering of the chuppah, which should be for a good sign, depends on the Shabbos before it.'
In the sefer Ta'amei HaMinhagim5 he wrote: 'The reason that they throw nuts, almonds and raisins on the chosson on the Shabbos before the wedding when he goes up to the Torah, is because "egoz" (nut) in gematria equals "cheit" and in gematria equals "tov", to hint that he is forgiven for all his sins and all his transgressions are atoned for him; and almonds are a fruit that ripens quickly and brings forth fruit, so too may he merit to bring forth his fruits and beget offspring; and raisins are inferior grapes with little moisture, to hint to him that his wife should not be able to bring him to sin, like Chava, who squeezed grapes and gave them to Adam HaRishon — but those grapes are inferior and have no moisture in them.'
And the Shem MiShmuel wrote6: 'And one may say a further reason for the minhag that they throw nuts on his head at that time, to arouse him: that a nut falls into mud and what is inside it does not become repulsive, as in the Midrash (Shir HaShirim Rabbah 6:11, Chagigah 15b) — so too let him remember to bind himself to the Torah, that he should not become coarse and soiled while occupying himself with repulsive and coarsening matters, and this is sufficient for one who understands.'
The mashpia R' Sh"Ch Kesselman ע"ה would farbreng with the chassanim on this Shabbos, and it is brought7 that he would say: 'It is written that a chosson on his wedding day is forgiven for his sins, but for that he must do teshuvah, and this begins on the Shabbos before the wedding8, when he receives from the aliyah to the Torah the strength to do teshuvah; and therefore they throw on him another candy and another candy, in order to remind him that he must do teshuvah for another sin and another sin until all his sins are atoned for him.' And he further said9: 'On the Shabbos before the wedding they throw bundles, to hint at doing teshuvah for the large bundles; but when going to the chuppah they throw small and delicate items on him, to hint that he should remember and succeed in doing teshuvah also for the delicate matters that are not so noticeable .. after he has rectified the coarseness of evil, that he should do teshuvah for the subtlety of evil.'
It is very important to avoid disgracing food, and therefore one must ensure that the foods that are thrown are wrapped, so that they will not be ruined or become repulsive, as the Mechaber writes in Shulchan Aruch10: 'They draw wine through pipes before a chosson and kallah, provided that one catches it in a vessel at the mouth of the pipe; and they throw before them kalyos and nuts in the summer days, when they do not become repulsive; but not in the rainy season, because they become repulsive; but loaves, never. Those who throw wheat before chassanim must be careful to throw them only in a clean place, and also to sweep it from there, so that it not be trampled upon.'
Notes:
1 See Shulchan Ha'ezer siman 6, se'if 1, s"k 5. Minhag Yisroel Torah, Nisuin p. 105. Nitei Gavriel, Nisuin vol. 1 ch. 3 note 4. And more ↩
2 50b ↩
3 Kaira 5670, perek 1, os 1 ↩
4 Os 1045 note 2. And see Meir Einei Chachomim, Sod Nisuin p. 278, who explained this minhag according to sod ↩
5 Os 940 ↩
6 Devarim, parshas Ki Seitzei, year 5670 ↩
7 HaMashpia R' Sh"Ch Kesselman vol. 1 ch. 8 p. 478 ↩
8 And see also Mishkenos HaRo'im (Hibner), Eis Shalom 15b ↩
9 Hachanos LaChasunah (Kretz) p. 82 note 106 ↩
10 OC siman 171 se'ifim 4 - 5, and see Mishnah Berurah s"k 21 ↩
[10] (Halacha 681)
Continuation of the Minhogim of the Aliyah to the Torah
Calling Up with a Melody
It is the minhag that the chosson is called up to the Torah with a special melody, 'Yaamod HeChosson Ploni ben Ploni, Chazak'. And regarding the reason for this, the sefer Mata'amim1 writes: 'The reason that when the chazzan sings for the chosson on the Shabbos before the chupah he concludes with "chazak" is because three things require strengthening, and one of them is derech eretz. Seforim'. And in Machzor Vitri2 there is brought a 'Reshus la'Chosson' from R' Shimon HaGadol, which they would say to the chosson before he went up to the Torah.
Tallis Gadol
It is a minhag accepted among many3 that from the Shabbos before the wedding the chosson begins to wear those garments which customarily only married men wear, and so too in practice is the minhag of Anash, that on the Shabbos before the wedding the chosson wears a tallis gadol at his aliyah to the Torah, except that he remains with his hat on his head4.
Mi Shebeirach
We further find a minhag to make a special Mi Shebeirach with pledges, as is written in Machzor Vitri there: '.. and he reads in the Torah, and afterwards the chazzan says these brochos composed by R' Eliezer b"R Aharon, and the chosson pledges nedarim in honor of the Torah and for tzedakah, each man according to the gift of his hand'.
And so too wrote the Rebbe's father, the mekubal R' Levi Yitzchok, in his letter to the Rebbe before the wedding5: 'The calling up to the Torah before the wedding will presumably be on Shabbos Kodesh, Parshas Vayeitzei, im yirtzeh Hashem. Now, after your aliyah to the Torah they will bless you with a Mi Shebeirach etc., and they will say "in that his father and his mother (with their names and the names of their fathers) have pledged tzedakah on his behalf and have instructed to bless him" etc., Amen. (And you will surely inform us beforehand on which day the calling up to the Torah will be, so that we too may rejoice here, im yirtzeh Hashem)'.
Covering the Sefer Torah
The Eliyah Rabbah6 writes: 'And it appears that when they sing for the chosson it should be covered, for it is not respectful to the Torah that it be uncovered for a long time'. Accordingly, one must be careful, when singing and the like, to ensure that the sefer Torah is covered.
Making Up the Aliyah
It is brought in several of the seforim on Chabad conduct for weddings7, in the name of the Rebbe, that one who did not have an aliyah on Shabbos should go up on Monday and Thursday during the course of the week, and they should throw candies at him.
An Addition Regarding the Aliyah to the Torah:
The Rebbe, in the sichah of Tuesday of Parshas Ki Seitzei 57518, said in connection with the wedding day of the previous Rebbe: 'This matter begins already on the Shabbos Kodesh preceding it, which is called Shabbos "aufruf" — a name which includes many explanations, but certainly also the very simplest explanation: that on this Shabbos Kodesh an aliyah (an ascent) comes about for the chosson through their calling him (mi'ruft im uf) to go up, and he ascends from below to above. And especially since this aliyah is bound up with the reading of the Torah, for the simple meaning of "aufruf" is that they call him to go up to the Torah. And especially according to our minhag, that everyone who goes up to the Torah recites a bracha before it and after it .. that is, that the chosson's "aufruf" to go up to the Torah is with the addition of a bracha and a drawing down, through which an even greater aliyah comes about. And this aliyah occurs even by those who were in any case already "above", since within "above" itself there are many levels, up to infinite levels, and therefore by them too there comes about through this an ascent to a loftier level — and on the contrary, with even greater strength and even greater force'.
Notes:
1 אות קמב ↩
2 סי' תפד ↩
3 ראה גם ילקוט מנהגים (חלק מנהגי יהדות אשכנז הרב בצלאל לנדוי) עמ' 82 ↩
4 ראה נטעי גבריאל נשואין פ"ג ח. שו"ע הקצר פל"ה ס"ו ↩
5 תורת לוי"צ אג"ק ע' רו ↩
6 סי' קלט ס"ק ח ↩
7 בנין עדי עד ע' 21. שמחת עולם ע' 64 ↩
8 תו"מ ח"ד ע' 206 ↩
[11] (halacha 682)
A Festive Seudah
Question: When is the time of the seudah that was made on this Shabbos?
Answer: In earlier times the minhag was to make the seudah on Shabbos night, as written in Minhagei Maharil1: 'Mahar"i Segal made a Spinholz for his son, Harav Reb Shimon, while he was still a youth, on Shabbos the 6th of Av .. and the entire community went to him and rejoiced with him after the seudah with wine and fruit, as is the minhag on every Shabbos night that precedes the Shabbos of the wedding'.
And in Shu"t Chavos Yair2: 'And moreover, some three months ago and more I was at Spinholz seudos, as is customarily made on the Shabbos night before the wedding'.
And so writes Nohag Katzon Yosef3: 'And the minhag of Frankfurt is that the relatives go to the home of the chosson and to the home of the kallah on Shabbos night after the seudah, and they taste something there, as on the Shabbos before a bris'.
However, in Likutei Maharich4 he writes: 'Now, regarding the Shabbos before the wedding, which is called Spinholz Farshpiel, see Maharil in the minhogim of Shabbos Chazon, that their minhag was that on Shabbos night they would go to the home of the chosson and rejoice there with wine and fruit, see there. And in our country the minhag is so on Shabbos day and not on Shabbos night'.
And in Shulchan HaEzer5 he writes: And they also go after the morning seudah to the home of the chosson to rejoice with him with wine and fruit, and so is the minhag of the women, who go to the home of the kallah'.
The Decree Concerning Mashke
When the Rebbe, at the farbrengen of Shabbos Parshas Shemini 57236, issued the decree concerning mashke, the Rebbe expressed that the decree applies also to the rejoicing of a chosson: 'And with regard to joyous occasions, even the rejoicing of a chosson, concerning which the Gemara said that whoever gladdens the chosson "merits the Torah that was given with five voices", and likewise with regard to an ordinary chassidic farbrengen'.
Repeating Chassidus
The Rebbe Rayatz writes in a letter7: 'Regarding the place of the Mikra Kodesh - aufrufenish - in Boston, the matter is correct, and surely Chassidus will be repeated, and they should arrange that the matters of the rejoicing and celebration of the wedding be as is customary among the Chassidim'.
Shabbos Kallah
Question: Is there any special practice with regard to the kallah on this Shabbos?
Answer: We find in the early minhogim of Ashkenaz that on the Shabbos before the wedding they celebrated for the kallah as well, as is brought in Leket Yosher8: 'When there is a wedding on Shabbos Nachamu, he did not wish to permit dressing the kallah in Shabbos garments on the Shabbos of Chazon Yeshaya, and all the more so not to hold a Bur Shpiel, which in my land they call Spinholz'.
And in the Minhagim of the Holy Community of Wormaisa9 of R' Yuzpa Shammash, the practices of this Shabbos are described at length: 'And on the Shabbos adjacent to the wedding .. and likewise all the groups afterwards also go to the home of the kallah. The kallah too sits there at the head of her table, adorned in fine garments according to her honor, with a shpiel and klenki upon her head. And the table is adorned and decorated like the table of the chosson. And around the table sit maidens adorned in fine garments, and they sit there with great modesty, and they neither eat nor drink. And the men and women who come there stand behind the table and view the table and its vessels and the kallah. And the father of the kallah honors those who enter and gives them wine to drink. And upon their departure, the mother of the kallah, or the mistress of the house and the relatives, also distribute "lekach" [=honey cake], as at the chosson's .. After the morning seudah on Shabbos, the shammash's boy calls out: "Tzu der Spinholz", as on the previous day. Then the women, with the Rebbetzin, wife of the Av Beis Din, at their head, go to the home of the kallah, and they seat the kallah upon a chair, and they dress her in the women's garments called rekli, and she sings a song and hymn of chosson and kallah. And afterwards they remove the rekli garment from her, and dress her in the women's Shabbos cloak. And the kallah walks first, with her two attendant maidens at her right and at her left, and all the maidens after them, and the jesters10 before them with musical instruments, and they play music from the home of the kallah until the Breit Hoiz'.
And so writes Yosef Ometz11: 'When there is a Spinholz on this Shabbos, the minhag is simple that the maidens should not go to the kallah with dances or with musical instruments'. From his words we see that the minhag was that the girls would go to the kallah on this Shabbos in order to gladden her.
And so writes Shulchan HaEzer12: And they also go after the morning seudah to the home of the chosson to rejoice with him with wine and fruit, and so is the minhag of the women, who go to the home of the kallah'.
If so, we have seen that there is an ancient minhag that the kallah too celebrates on the Shabbos preceding the wedding, and so is the practice today as well.
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Notes:
1 Hil' Shivah Asar B'Tammuz and Tisha B'Av ↩
2 Siman 66. See also Siman 70 ↩
3 Hil' Nissuin p. 112 ↩
4 Vol. 3, Seder Nissuin ↩
5 Vol. 2, Siman 6, os 1 ↩
6 Toras Menachem vol. 36 p. 353 ↩
7 Igros Kodesh vol. 17 p. 300. Note also what is related (Hachanos L'Chasunah (Kratz) p. 83), that the Rebbe once asked to ascertain whether Chassidus had been repeated at the farbrengen of the aufruf ↩
8 Yoreh Deah p. 100, inyan 1 ↩
9 Vol. 2 p. 253 ↩
10 Os 871 ↩
11 Siman 6, se'if 1 ↩
[12] (Halacha 683)
Question: What is the source and the reason for the fact that the bride's side buys a tallis for the groom?
Answer: There is an ancient minhag that the bride buys the tallis for the groom1. And this minhag became established in many communities2, and there are even those who inserted this obligation into the text of the tenaim, as written in Shulchan HaEzer3: 'It is the minhag in these countries that the bride gives a tallis and a kittel to the groom on the day of the wedding. And there are places where they write this obligation into the tenaim. And he wears this kittel under the chuppah, and on the day after the wedding, at the tefillah of Shacharis, he wraps himself in this tallis; and some have the minhag, if he did not wrap himself in a tallis when he was a bachur, to recite the bracha of Shehecheyanu at the first wrapping'.
And so it also appears in the shtar tenaim written by the Alter Rebbe4 as part of the obligation of the bride's father5.
And we find various reasons for this minhag that the bride's side buys a tallis for the groom6:
a) Some have written7 that this minhag is a continuation of the minhag of some of the communities that a bachur does not wrap himself in a tallis, and therefore the bride brings him the tallis to show that the obligation of wrapping in a tallis was brought about because of the marriage to her, as written in Likkutei Maharich8: 'And in my humble opinion there is likewise support for this minhag from the fact that the minhag of Yisroel is that the bride gives the groom a tallis gadol as a gift and the groom gives the bride a mitznefes; perforce it is a thing that the marriage brings about, and therefore the bride gives the groom a tallis gadol, since through her he becomes in need of the tallis gadol, and likewise the groom gives the bride a mitznefes, since through him she becomes in need of the mitznefes, for maidens do not wear a mitznefes. All this I have written only by way of support, and all idle chatter is bad except for idle chatter of Torah'.
b) And some have written that the tzitzis alludes to being guarded from sin, as the holy Rav Ze'ev Wolf of Zhitomir wrote in Or HaMeir on Chag HaSukkos: 'And we see in the way of the world, כי יקח איש אשה ("when a man takes a wife") ביום חתונתו וביום שמחת לבו ("on the day of his wedding and on the day of the gladness of his heart"), that the minhag of the world is to send from the bride a tallis and tzitzis to the groom, and the minhag of Yisroel is Torah. And I have said a fitting reason, based upon their words9: it once happened that a certain man was scrupulous in the mitzvah of tzitzis. He heard that there was a harlot in the seaport towns who took four hundred gold coins as her fee; he sent her the four hundred etc., and he too went up to sit naked opposite her, when his four tzitzis came and struck him across his face. He slipped away etc., and said to her: By the Divine service, I have never seen a woman as beautiful as you; but one mitzvah our G-d commanded us, and tzitzis is its name etc., and now they appeared to me as four witnesses. Now see that one who is scrupulous in the mitzvah of tzitzis — it saves him from sin. And it is possible to allude to this in the pasuk10 נואף אשה חסר לב ("one who commits adultery with a woman lacks heart"), that is to say: from where is a man drawn to become one who commits adultery with a woman? The pasuk points with a finger — because of the lack of the 32 threads of the tzitzis, and he is not scrupulous in the mitzvah of tzitzis, and there is a lack of the faithful witnesses who would strike him across his face, and he does not slip away from the transgression. And therefore on the day of a man's wedding and on the day of the gladness of his heart, on the day he enters the chuppah with his destined mate, she sends him a tallis with four tzitzis, 32 threads, and she hints to him: here is yours before you, your portion given to you from Hashem, an understanding wife — as in the aforementioned hint, his four tzitzis came and struck him across his face, to take to heart to rejoice specifically in his portion. And now see that the minhag of Yisroel is Torah, and they do below in order to allude above, and there is nothing in the world for naught, all is with wisdom ..'.
c) Some have written that this is in order to rectify the sin of the Tree of Knowledge that Chavah caused, from which time garments became necessary, as written in Yeshuos Malko11: 'Just as with Adam and Chavah before the sin, they were naked without clothing, and only after the sin did Hashem clothe them in garments of skin — and through this came the minhag that the bride gives the groom a tallis of mitzvah, to indicate that she caused him to need to be clothed, and she rectifies this with a tallis of mitzvah'.
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Notes:
1 Some have written (see Yalkut Me'am Lo'ez on the pasuk; Sdei Chemed vol. 6, Ma'areches Chosson v'Kallah os 11) to connect this to the words of the Rosh, Ki Seitzei 22:13, who wrote: 'כי יקח איש אשה ("when a man takes a wife") — what is written above? גדילים תעשה לך ("you shall make yourself fringes"); from here is support for the minhag of the world that they buy a tallis for the groom when he marries a woman'. But seemingly his intent is not regarding the buying of a tallis for the groom, but rather regarding the minhag that the groom wraps himself in a tallis at the chuppah. And as appears from the Baalei HaTosfos on the Torah, in Hadar Zekeinim on the aforementioned pasuk, who wrote: 'גדילים תעשה לך ("you shall make yourself fringes"). And adjacent to it is כי יקח איש אשה ("when a man takes a wife") *therefore the world has the minhag to spread the tallis over the groom and the bride at the time of the marriage*. And some explain: in order to train them in mitzvos'. And this still requires examination. And it is possible that the basis of the minhag stemmed from the minhag that the groom was wrapped in a tallis at the chuppah, and they had the minhag that the groom buys the chuppah garments for the bride and the bride for the groom. And see also below in the notes on the kittel (and shtreimel), that there too they had the minhag that the bride's side bought them. And likewise, conversely, the veils and shawls for the bride the groom bought ↩
2 See Machaneh Chaim (vol. 2, Even HaEzer siman 40): '.. a kittel and tallis, or a shtreimel in the land of Poland, where it is the minhag that the groom does not go to the chuppah unless this is given to him .. the fathers must certainly give it even against their will, and it is not comparable to gifts that are given according to what finds favor and is not practiced with every single couple. But a kittel, and tallis and shtreimel in Poland are not given by way of a voluntary gift; rather they are given to him in accordance with the minhag of holy Yisroel, that he conduct himself as a baal habayis and not as a bachur..'. And to note from Shu"t Shailas Shalom (Taubes), second edition siman 87, who wrote: 'And regarding his question, how the groom should recite the bracha on the tallis that was given to him by his father-in-law at the first wrapping — whether the bracha of HaTov v'HaMeitiv or the bracha of Shehecheyanu: behold, the widespread minhag is that he recites Shehecheyanu and not the bracha of HaTov v'HaMeitiv, and so it is correct in my opinion, since one should not recite HaTov v'HaMeitiv, given that there is no partner with him in his benefit, and it is only like one who bought a new garment, who recites Shehecheyanu .. which is not so in the case before us, where it is a debt that his father-in-law obligated himself to give him for marrying his daughter ..'. And see also Sdei Chemed there: 'Upon my coming to this city I saw a minhag in the community of the Krymchaks, הי"ו, that at the time when a maiden marries the bride sends to the groom's camp a four-cornered tallis as part of the dowry that she brings in to him, and they are particular about this, and many times it came to quarrel and strife because of this; there is one who has it and does not want to give, and there is one whom the hour presses. And were it not that it is difficult to abolish a minhag of Yisroel that does not contradict our holy religion, it would have been fitting to institute, with the agreement of the townspeople, to abolish this minhag, which I have not seen and have not known among us Sephardim in our places at all, and I do not know a reason for this minhag; nevertheless I remained passive, not abolishing their minhag even though there is strife among them — also it would cause me distress to mediate between them and to compromise between them (and this was in the early years, for now they have already grown accustomed to it and it has become fixed for them, and there is no breach and no outcry among them regarding it)' ↩
3 Vol. 2 siman 9, din 9 ↩
4 Seder Tenaim Eirusin v'Nisuin (Kehot) ch. 13 p. 34 ↩
5 Seemingly (see Seder Tenaim ibid. p. 71 note 123) this is also the intent in the shtar tenaim documents made by the Tzemach Tzedek (ibid. ch. 14 p. 49), the Rebbe Rashab (ibid. ch. 15 p. 57), and the Rebbe Rayatz (ibid. p. 60), who wrote that they should give the tallis and the kittel as is customary ↩
6 And see additional reasons in Likkutei Moharan, Torah 49 (the tzaddik receives his strength through Yisroel), and in Or LaShamayim the holy Rabbi Meir HaLevi of Apta wrote (204b) (it symbolizes purity and the power to influence). And in Sefer Mateamim, entry Chosson v'Kallah, letters 11 and 15, that it is to allude that she requests that the groom spread his 'protection' over her, or that he is of more distinguished lineage than she. Yalkut Yosef, Halachos Tzitzis, notes, siman 14 os 3. Kovetz Beis Aharon v'Yisrael, issue 38 p. 78 ↩
7 See Yafeh LaLev vol. 1 siman 8 se'if 7, brought in Sdei Chemed there. And more ↩
8 Vol. 1, Seder Mitzvas Tzitzis 18b ↩
9 Menachos 44a ↩
10 Mishlei 6:34 ↩
11 (Likkutei Torah) 76b. And so wrote Shu"t Shem MiShimon, Orach Chaim siman 1 ↩
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