Guarding the Chosson and Kallah
[1] (Halacha 684)
Question: What is the reason that the chosson or the kallah do not go out alone?
Answer: The Gemara in Maseches Brochos1 says: 'Rav Yehudah said: Three require guarding, and these are they: a sick person, a chosson, and a kallah, and in a baraisa it was taught: a sick person, a woman after childbirth, a chosson, and a kallah'.
And Rabbeinu Yonah2 explained: 'Three require guarding: a sick person, a woman after childbirth, and a kallah. Because the Satan accuses at a time of danger and at a time of joy'3.
And in Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer4 it is brought regarding the marriage of Adam and Chava: 'And the ministering angels were like groomsmen guarding the chuppah, as it says, "For He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways," and your ways are none other than the way of chassanim'.
And the Radal5 wrote to explain: 'And one may say that it is as it is stated at the beginning of [the chapter] "HaRoeh," that a chosson and kallah require guarding from harmful spirits, and this is what is written above (the verse "For He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways," which he brings here) "no evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your tent," for "your tent" is his wife, and they are chosson and kallah, that no evil shall befall them and no plague from the sons of God and the daughters of man, who are a plague and an evil, see the commentary of the Gaon on Sifra d'Tzniusa'.
An awesome account is brought by our Rishonim6, and this is its wording: 'It happened with R. Shemaya and a certain young man who held their weddings on one Shabbos, and during that week the young man died, and the deceased came to his mother in a dream and said to her: my time had not come to die, rather R. Shemaya's time had come to die, and the Holy One, blessed be He, said to the angel, "Bring me from among the chassanim," and He said [this] concerning R. Shemaya, and the Angel of Death erred. And why did this happen to him? Because he was walking through the streets alone and the harmful spirit took him, as the Sage said, a chosson requires guarding. And all those years that that young man had to live were given to R. Shemaya. And why did he merit this? Because he was not prone to anger, did not distress any person, forgave all who angered him, heard his own disgrace and overlooked slights, and mingled with people'.
However, we find another matter regarding this guarding, for it is written in Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer7: 'The chosson is like a king; just as a king does not go out to the marketplace alone, so too the chosson does not go out to the marketplace alone'.
And the Radal8 wrote that from the words of the Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer it appears that the reason for not going out to the marketplace is not on account of guarding but rather from the aspect of honor: 'He does not go out to the marketplace alone. It would seemingly imply that it is because he requires guarding, as is found at the beginning of [the chapter] "HaRoeh" .. except that the expression "does not go out to the marketplace" is not so well settled according to this, for on the contrary, a marketplace where many are commonly found would not require guarding from harmful spirits, (and see in Pesachim9 regarding pairs, that seeing the face of the marketplace between one cup and another nullifies the power of pairs), and as we say in Chullin10, "in a place where many are commonly found, what do you want," rather it appears that it is on account of honor, for it is not his honor to go out alone without the escort of another to attend to him ..'11.
And so the Rebbe12 explained: '.. the directive of the Rebbe, my father-in-law, was that for a number of days before the wedding (he did not say how many days) the chosson should not be alone, for reasons of guarding. In Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer it is stated that a chosson should not be by himself, except that there it implies that the reason is on account of honor, which applies after the wedding, but from the Rebbe, my father-in-law, I heard, as stated, that also for a number of days before the wedding the chosson should not be alone, for reasons of guarding'.
And among the Rishonim we found an additional source stating that a chosson does not go out at all from the entrance of his house, and that so they were accustomed in some places, as the Ramban13 wrote: 'And they said that it is found in the Aggadah that he is like a king who does not go out from the entrance of the palace, and so they were accustomed, but in Pirkei R. Eliezer I saw: the chosson is like a king; just as before the king there is rejoicing and feasting, so too before the chosson there is rejoicing and feasting throughout the seven days of the feast; just as the king does not go out to the marketplace alone, so too the chosson does not go out to the marketplace alone, etc., in chapter 16'.
And so it is written in Machzor Vitry14: 'Throughout the days of the chuppah the chosson does not go to shul. And they stand and daven with him at Maariv and Shacharis before the chassanim's canopy. And regarding a minyan of ten for kedushah and tefillah, chassanim count toward the minyan, as is stated in the first chapter of Kesubos. And on Shabbos morning, after he has completed the order [of prayers] with the congregation, he goes to shul with the groomsmen after him. And he wraps himself in tzitzis and sits beside the Aron, and the groomsmen sit around him'.
And so we also find regarding the reading of the Megillah, as the Tur15 wrote: 'And likewise a chosson should not go to shul but rather should read the Megillah at home'. And the Rema16 wrote: 'In the Hagahos Maimoniyos, chapter 2: and if a wedding occurs on Purim, ten should read [the Megillah] in the house of the chosson and the kallah, or they should read on their own .. and in the responsum of Mahar"i Bri"n (siman 121, s.v. "and this needs examination") I found that he wrote .. and that which is written there in the Hagahos Maimoniyos, "and where a wedding occurs on Purim," does not refer specifically to an actual wedding but rather means during the seven days of the feast'.
But on the other hand, there are Rishonim who did not bring this practice at all of not going out from the entrance of the house, as the Ran17 omitted the minhag that the Ramban mentioned18, and this is its wording: 'And so it is in Pirkei R. Eliezer, chapter 16: the chosson is like a king; just as a king does not go out to the marketplace alone, so too a chosson does not go out to the marketplace alone; just as a king does not do work, so too a chosson does not do work. And in the Aggadah they said: the chosson is like a king; just as a king does not do work, so too a chosson does not do work'.
In the next halacha we will see how the halacha and the minhag are in practice
--------------
Notes:
1 נד, ב ↩
2 שם מג, א ↩
3 טעמי המנהגים (עניני אישות אות תתקצח) כתב: 'טעם שהחתן צריך שמירה, לפי שיש כוחות במזיקים המתקנאים בבני אדם, לכן אמרו שלשה צריכים שמירה, ואחד מהם הוא חתן ..' ↩
4 פי"ב ↩
5 אות נח ↩
6 סדר אירוסין ונשואין לרבותינו הראשונים (עמוד קכז), מגנוזות ספר חסידים (אות לד) ↩
7 פט"ז הובא בר"ן על כתובות ב, א מדפי הרי"ף ↩
8 פט"ז אות נח ↩
9 פסחים קי, א ↩
10 קו, ב ↩
11 ובהוספות אות יב כתב: 'ובויק"ר פכ"ו אמרו שלא יצא אדם לדרך פחות משני בני אדם שאם יצא סופו נעשה כו' .. מיהו זה אינו כי אם בדרך, אבל לשוק בעיר די בלויית אחד' ↩
12 לקו"ש ח"א ע' 52 בתרגום חופשי ↩
13 כתובות ה, א. הובא בשטמ"ק כתובות ה, א. וראה גם ספר העיטור ש"ב ברכת חתנים סג, ג: 'הגדה חתן דומה למלך מה מלך אינו יוצא מביתו אף חתן אינו יוצא מביתו'. וכן ברא"ה ובריטב"א שם ז, ב: 'ובאגדה איתא החתן דומה למלך מה מלך אינו יוצא מפתח ביתו אף חתן אינו יוצא מפתח ביתו' ↩
14 סי' תעז ↩
15 או"ח סי' תרצו ↩
16 דרכי משה שם ס"ק ה ↩
17 כתובות ב, א מדפי הרי"ף ↩
18 וראה בחינא וחיסדא (עמ"ס כתובות) עד, א: 'והא ק"ל ע"ד הר"ן איך לא הביא דברי המדרש הנזכר והרי הרמב"ן מביאו והר"ן מביא דברי הרמב"ן בכל שעה .. ואולי י"ל דכיון דגם לפי המדרש אינו אלא מילתא דרבנן בעלמא תפס דברי פרקי ר"א דוקא משום דבכה"ג ס"ל לילך לקולא והגם דהרמב"ן כ' דכן נהגו כדברי המדרש ע"ש אולי אינו אלא בעירו דוקא וא"כ הר"ן דינא קמ"ל' ↩
[2] (Halacha 685)
In the previous halacha we saw the words of the Gemara, the Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer, and the Rishonim regarding the guarding of a chosson and kallah.
As to the halacha, the Magen Avraham1 brought the Gemara in Brochos: 'These require guarding from harmful spirits: a sick person, a woman after childbirth, a chosson, a kallah, but a mourner and a Torah scholar [require guarding] at night'.
And the Rema wrote2 like the words of the Ran: 'And a chosson is forbidden to do work, and is forbidden to go out alone in the marketplace'. And he did not bring the words of the Tur regarding the reading of the Megillah.
And several of the Acharonim wrote that although the Rema mentioned only the chosson, the same law applies to the kallah, as the Aruch HaShulchan3 wrote: 'And the kallah also requires guarding'. And also in the Yefeh LaLev4 it is written: 'And it appears that the same law applies that she is forbidden to go out alone to the marketplace, for there is no distinction between them ..'.
Thus the chosson and the kallah may go out from their house, provided that they have an escort.
Except that, despite what the Rema wrote, several of the Acharonim wrote that the practice in fact is that chassanim do not go to shul, during the days of the sheva brochos, as the Prishah5 wrote, brought in the Beis Shmuel6: 'He also should not go out alone to the marketplace, because the chosson is like a king, Pirkei R. Eliezer 16. From here it is implied that what people practice nowadays, that the chosson does not go out to shul for all seven days until the following Shabbos, is a foolish practice, for we only exclude that he should not conduct business and that he should not go alone; but to shul he may go. However, one may say that even to shul it is forbidden to go alone, and it is not to be found for every chosson that someone will escort him from his house to shul, and from shul to his house, and for this reason he remains in his house'.
That is to say, according to the understanding of the Prishah the widespread practice that chassanim do not go to shul is not correct, and it may be that it arose from a practical problem of a lack of an escort.
But the Gaon Rabbi Yehoshua Shlomo Ardit in his sefer Chinah v'Chisda on Maseches Kesubos7 [brought by the Yefeh LaLev there] disagreed with the Prishah, and wrote that one may say that this practice stems from the words of the Ramban, and this is its wording: 'And in my humble opinion, after due respect, this reasoning does not appear settled to my humble mind, for as it appears, many attendants and many relatives and friends are present at the chuppah, and many of them desire that the chosson come to ask them some question of service for many available reasons, and even if the Rav of blessed memory spoke about his own city and we do not know [of another], nevertheless when the chosson is wealthy, what is there to say? And perhaps one must say that no distinction is made in the matter, and therefore it appears to me that the world grasped as the primary [view] the words of the Midrash, which forbids going out to the marketplace even if [accompanied by] another, as the Ramban wrote, that so they were accustomed, and it implies even for a matter of a mitzvah such as tefillah and a bris milah and the like, because he is like a king, and with the additional support of a matter that has reason to it, for if he goes out to the marketplace in such a manner, there is cause for concern lest at that very juncture some dispute be found, of gentiles with gentiles or with a Jew ... And nevertheless, for davening in the house of the chosson with ten, there is no room for exemption there ..'.
Thus, according to the words of the Chinah v'Chisda, the practice stems from the view of the Ramban brought above, that a chosson is not permitted to go out from the entrance of his house at all.
[Some have written another reason why the chosson should refrain from coming to shul, so as not to prevent the congregation from saying Tachanun, and we will discuss this in the next halacha, please God].
And in practice they were accustomed like the words of the Rema, that the chosson and the kallah are permitted to go out from the entrance of their house during the seven days of the feast, with an escort, and likewise the chosson must go to shul in order to daven, except that he should arrange for an escort.
Even in places where many people are found, they require an escort, as the Radal wrote, brought above, that since the guarding is also on account of honor, and it is not honorable to go out alone.
And even in a case where the chosson and the kallah go together (that one may say there is no need for guarding8) they should not go alone, as is written in the Sefer HaMinhagim9: 'During the seven days of the feast one endeavors that the chosson or the kallah should not go alone, and also the two of them together should not [go], but rather in the company of one more person'. And since this is also on account of honor, therefore one chosson cannot be the escort of another chosson10.
The poskim further discussed whether guarding is required even inside the house, and the Aruch HaShulchan wrote there: 'And the language of the Talmud, that he requires guarding, implies that even in his house he should not sit alone, and even by day he requires guarding'11.
But one may say12 that for the purpose of guarding in the house it is sufficient that the chosson and the kallah are present together, since each one is considered a guard for the other, and [the requirement] on account of honor is only when they go outside their house. And so it is also the practice.
In a further halacha we will learn from when the matter of guarding begins.
Notes:
1 או"ח סי' רלט ס"ק ז ↩
2 שו"ע אהע"ז סי' סד ס"א בהג"ה ↩
3 שם בס"ג ↩
4 (פלאג'י) ח"ד סי' סד סק"ה ↩
5 אהע"ז סי' סד ס"ק א* ↩
6 שו"ע שם ס"ק ב ↩
7 עד, א ↩
8 שיש שכתבו (בית חתנים פי"ז בסופו) שמספיק שהחתן שומר על הכלה וכן להיפך ↩
9 ספר המנהגים עמ' 76. וראה דברי אדמו"ר הריי"ץ (הובאו בנטעי גבריאל פנ"ו הערה יא): 'וואו האט מען געזען א מלך אן א סוויטע (פמליא)'. וא"כ נראה שהוא מחמת הכבוד, ולא מחמת שמירה. ולהעיר מתשורה 'עטרת זקנים' (חודקוב) התשס"א ע' 28 אות ט מובא מענה מהרבי הריי"ץ ש'הענין שלא ללכת בעצמו יש בזה ענין רוחני' ↩
10 ראה מקדש ישראל ע' 115 ↩
11 וכן משמע מדברי היעב"ץ בהגהות עמ"ס ברכות נד, ב ↩
12 וראה ג"כ נטעי גבריאל פנ"ו דין ד, שכתב שלא ישהו החתן או הכלה כ"א לבדו ↩
[3] (Halacha 686)
Question: Does the guarding for the chosson and kallah begin at the wedding itself, or already before it?
Answer: The Shevet HaLevi1 wrote: 'A. From when is it the practice that the chosson and the kallah should not go alone in the street? And some are accustomed [to begin] from the Shabbos of the aliyah to the Torah — is this how one must conduct oneself? It is clear that the view of the Beis Yosef and the Bach in Even HaEzer siman סד in the name of Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer and the Ran, first chapter of Kesubos, is that it is specifically during the seven days of the feast, and so the Rema ruled there. And the reason is simple, for the cause is because he is like a king, who likewise does not go alone, and it is obvious that he is like a king only from the time of the chuppah and onward, or at least on the day of his chuppah. And even according to the Talmud in Brochos 54b, that three require guarding — a sick person, a chosson, and a kallah — namely because the external [forces] are jealous of them, this too is specifically from the time that he is a chosson according to halacha. And I too have heard that there are those who are stringent upon themselves from the time of the aliyah to the Torah, but it is clear that there is no proof from halacha, and it was also not the practice in all the lands.
On the other hand, some have written that there is a halachic source to require guarding already before the wedding, as follows:
The Eliyah Rabbah2 wrote: 'The Knesses HaGedolah [in the Hagahos HaTur] wrote in the name of the Ra"[Capsali]: if there is a chosson in the congregation, he may be the chosson [Torah, on Simchas Torah], for a chosson is called a king, provided that he is expert in the reading and the fear of God is upon his face, thus far. And he raised a difficulty: how do we find that he could be a chosson — is it not [the case] that weddings are not held on Yom Tov, in siman 546 [seif 1]? And he answered that it speaks of one who remarries his divorcee during the festival, for we require three complete days for rejoicing, thus far, and this is forced. And it is more likely that it speaks of a chosson in the plain sense, before the marriage, who is also called a king'.
And the Bikurei Yaakov3 explained: 'And the Eliyah Rabbah answered that it speaks of a chosson before the marriage, who is also called a king. And he did not explain from when he is called thus, and possibly [it is] during that week in which the marriage will be'.
Thus it emerges from their words that the chosson is called a chosson — a king — already from the beginning of the week of the marriage.
And on this basis several of the Acharonim4 wrote that from the stage that he is considered a chosson, he requires guarding, as is brought in the name of Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach5: 'And our teacher said in this matter that from the Motzaei Shabbos before the marriage he is called a chosson with respect to the need for guarding, for from then they begin to guard him (and even if he already left his house for the place of the marriage in the preceding week, the guarding is only from the Motzaei Shabbos before the marriage), and as is written in the Bikurei Yaakov siman תרסט s.k. ג, that a chosson is called a king from the week in which the marriage falls .. However, the essence of the guarding then is to be careful in his going in places where there is some slight danger, such as roads and the like, but after the marriage he requires more guarding, and he should be escorted even in the street and also during the daytime hours'.
And it is written in the Eidus L'Yisrael6: 'But in practice the meticulous are careful that already from this Shabbos, after his aliyah to the Torah, both the chosson and the kallah do not go out alone'7.
And regarding the Chabad minhag: the Rebbe said8: 'The directive of the Rebbe, my father-in-law, was that for a number of days before the wedding (he did not say how many days) the chosson should not be alone, for reasons of guarding. In Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer (end of chapter 16) it is stated that a chosson should not be by himself, except that there it implies that the reason is on account of honor, which applies after the wedding — but from the Rebbe, my father-in-law, I heard, as stated, that also for a number of days9 before the wedding the chosson should not be alone, for reasons of guarding'10.
Regarding this guarding that is before the wedding, the Rebbe said11 that two chassanim can be guards for one another12.
Thus, according to our minhag, a number of days before the wedding guarding is required, [and there is a report that it is worthwhile to begin a week before the wedding, and it would seemingly be proper to be careful at least from the time of the aliyah to the Torah].
--------------
Notes:
1 שו"ת ח"ט סי' עדר ↩
2 או"ח סי' תרסט ס"ק טז ↩
3 שם ס"ק ג. וראה גם בשו"ת אמרי דוד (סטנסילב) סי' נא שהחתן גם בשבת לפני החתונה נחשב כמלך ↩
4 ראה הנשואין כהלכתם פ"ו דין ה והערה 7. ודרשת וחקרת (גרוסמן) ח"ג אהע"ז סי' יד. שבט הקהתי ח"ד סי' שטז. נטעי גבריאל נשואין פ"ד או ה הערה יב. פרדס אליעזר ח"ב ע' תצח. פסקי תשובות סי' רלט אות יא הערה 76 ↩
5 הליכות שלמה תפלה פ"ה הערה 26 ↩
6 (ורדיגר) פ"א בסופו ↩
7 ולהעיר ממנהגים דק"ק וורמייזא (שמש) ח"ב סי' רכז ע' ג: 'שבעה ימים קודם הנשואין הכלה לובשת לבנים .. ואינה יוצאת מיום ההוא והלאה מביתה ..'. ובהערות החוות יאיר שם: 'אלמנה כלה אינה יוצאת ג"כ מפתח ביתו אח"כ אחר יציאתה מבהכנ"ס בשבת שלפני חתונתו, וכן אח"כ, עד שחרית שבת' ↩
8 לקו"ש ח"א ע' 52 בתרגום חופשי ↩
9 ולהעיר שבקובץ העו"ב מאריסטון פ' תצווה שנת תשמ"ב גליון רנד ע' ט. הובאה רשימה של מנהגי חתונה שנרשמה מפי הריל"ג דברים שהרבי אמר בשש"פ תש"ט, ושם אות ג מובא: 'חתן לא ילך לבדו לפני החתונה, טוב שיהי' כן שבוע שלימה לפני החתונה'. וכך הריל"ג סיפר ג"כ בהתוועדות ביד כסלו תשל״ט, שפעם א״ל הרבי, שאחרים נוהגים משבת אויפרופעניש, אבל עדיף שבוע לפני החתונה - ['בעסער וואלט געוועזען זיבן טעג פאר דעם']. ומאידך בתשורה לוין ח״י אלול תשס״א ע׳ 12, נדפסו הגהות בכתי״ק של הרבי על ס׳ המנהגים, והי' כתוב שם: 'בשבוע שלפני החתונה אין החתן או הכלה הולכים יחידי אפילו ביום'. ויש על זה קו למחיקה. ועצ"ע ↩
10 עוד סיפר הריל"ג (גליון כפ"ח מספר 500 ע' 18, וגליון 1122 ע' 34. התקשרות גליון 757): שהרבי סיפר בשש"פ תש"ט, כי שבוע לפני חתונתו אמר לו הרבי הריי"ץ שלא ישהה בדירה לבד אלא עם שומר. וגם כשרוצה לעבור מחדר לחדר, לא יעבור את מפתן החדר לבד אלא עם עוד אחד - אך נראה שזו הוראה פרטית ↩
11 מקדש ישראל ע' 115 ↩
12 וראה גם שו"ת שבט הקהתי שם (אמנם שם לומד כן משבעת הימים שאחרי החתונה, ובזה לא קיי"ל כן) ↩
From the 'Shoneh Halacha' project - a daily halacha with reasons and sources
Link to the (silent) group: 'Shoneh Halacha - Chabad Minhogim'
Join the WhatsApp group